last night I had a dream and Anthony was in it ..

I was at some sort of arcade .. I think with some friends, because while I was interacting with the kids around me, I didnt feel anything "Motherly" towards them...

then out of no where, I turned to go do something and there was a little red headed boy standing infront of me and at that moment I could feel my heart melt and I knelt down and gave him a big hug.

I asked him "where have you been?" and he told me "safe" (mind you he was only about 3 , maybe 3 1/2 years old....

he was so perfect and so cute in everyway. it was like looking in a mirror but a tiny male version of me...with red heair (which no doubt he got from his Daddy). I held his hand and we walked around for a bit, looking at all the games and he was just smiling and giggling. I asked him "whatcha wanna play sweetie? you wanna go shoot something? or how bout that over there..." (as I pointed to a wack a mole game) .. he shook his head and then pointed at a photobooth.....

so, we got in the photobooth and he sat on my lap and I swear I could almost feel his warmth (or maybe it was Aaron next to me in bed...but still)..... we started putting in coin after coin and took like a dozen pics... Anthony started laughing and when I looked down at him he had his nose stuck up like a piggy and his tongue sticking out ....so I did the same... we started laughing and together we both snorted (yes, I do that sometimes).... well after that, he gave me a big kiss on my cheek.

We got out of the photobooth and I told him "this place is fun" and he said "yea, I got to go"...

I asked him "where? why?" and I started begging him to stay with me I told him "you dont have to go...you can stay here with me longer...we can play something else....please, I love you, you need to stay"

he looked up and me ...with his Daddy's eyes and said "I love you mama, I got to go home"

.....and then just as fast as he came into my dreams, he was gone......

why did I have this dream? I dont know... the only other dream Ive had is of me holding him and poking his nose and him laughing ...but, in that dream he was a baby... in this dream...he was walking and talking and so real.....

you know what today is? today marks 8 months from the day that we found out our son was no longer with us ... 8 months ago today.. I was happy and holding what I thought was a live baby in me....only to lay down on that table and find out that he had gone home....

is there some sort of hiden meaning behind this? I dont know? I do know that while it brought me some peace because I got to see what he looks like.....it has made me want him here even more (which I didnt think was possible)...

Its getting closer and closer to the one year mark and I cant think of anything I want to do for that day, rather than sit inside with his duckey and his lovey and cry ... and thats still 4 months away ... everyday I fight the urge to just lay in bed all day with his things and cry .. rather I suck it up, tell him Ilove him and push on with my day....

oh well...either way... I am so happy to have seen him and spend some time with him.... maybe this dream was his way of being able to spend some time with me too....

Add A Comment