I used to sit in the dark a few nights a week and eat jars of jelly, boxes of cereal, and loaves of bread. I grew up in the '90s — a time when models in magazines were really thin and the whole fat-free craze hit the grocery stores.
My friends and I would go out and get the fat-free cookies and fat-free frozen yogurt because we were sent messages that it was healthy. I always felt hungry after eating a sleeve of fat-free Apple Newtons — even hungrier than when I started eating them. That would trigger me.
I’d sit there, wanting more, and fight with myself about it
It took my breath away when I realized that I was eating unconsciously
Not in the way you do when you're super hungry, have PMS, or elbow deep in the popcorn box while watching a movie. If you’ve ever struggled with disordered eating, you know exactly what I am talking about here.
For a moment, I was 15 again, standing in my parents' kitchen in the dark with a jar of raspberry jam, a fresh loaf of bread, and some fat-free cookies.
I suddenly grew so tired I had to lie down and take a nap. I 100% recognized what I had started to do and I knew it was because my anxiety was extreme that day. I started to track my food, something I hadn’t done since high school, to try and keep myself from bingeing again.
That was the wrong answer — I go by feel these days and it was what worked for me while I was in recovery. There are days when I need more calories and days when I need fewer. I refuse to hold myself to the standard of having the same amount of calories on the day before my period and on a day when I don’t have much of an appetite.
What happens when I track my food is that I feel crappy about myself when I don’t stick to the calories I eat on low-appetite days, all the time. The only way to not get tied up in that is to not do it.
I now know what works for me and for my body
I worked hard to find a way to enjoy all the foods I love and never feel deprived. I worked hard to not let food control my feelings. I worked hard to not let the scale determine my worth.
However, when you are triggered, under stress, or something happens in your life you can’t control — like my divorce — all that work can disappear for a bit. Falling back into old patterns is normal and the most important thing is to recognize that in the long run this isn’t going to serve you at all.
It’s not easy by any means, but it’s a lot easier than reverting back to an old pattern that destroyed my health, my mind, and my self-confidence.
Slip-ups are OK, but the important thing is to get back on track which is what I’m working on now. Just remember: it's never too late.
