If parenting were a horror movie — and let’s face it, sometimes it is — then the villain would be the terrible twos. Everybody watching knows that the movie bad guy will wreak havoc on the characters in the movie, just like every parent knows to beware the 2-year-old.
But when you have a 3-year-old, you realize there’s a new villain in town and her name is Threenager. Suddenly that 2-year-old throwing a tantrum doesn’t seem so terrible compared to that 3-year-old who can go Real Housewives-level dramatic within seconds of saying, “Mommy, you’re my first best friend.”
See, the thing about the terrible twos is they’re not so terrible when compared with the other awful phases parents will endure with their children. Child development experts will say our young children’s hard phases are all part of their development, but those phases could drive most sane mothers to consider a glass of wine her first best friend.
Well, hang on to those glasses, because here are all the other tyrant stages our little ones will go through. Check out what you have to look forward to:
The 'Is this all you do?' first six months
The 'Eff you' fours
Four-year-olds see the world through ‘eff you!’-colored lenses, and they’re always looking for ways to tell you that you’re wrong, don’t know what you’re talking about, or how they’d be better off living with another family. This is particularly deceptive because 4-year-olds are absolutely adorable … when they’re sleeping. Don’t be fooled, 4-year-olds are brutal. Trust me, I had one.
The fantastic fives
On your child’s fifth birthday, you’ll hear harps play and everything will seem to move in slow motion. That’s because, for the first time in your parenting career, your child is a real human being. Gone are the diapers, cribs, and car seats that are more difficult to unlock than Fort Knox. (But don’t forget about the booster seats.) In their place will be a small but lovely human being who doesn’t pee his pants or throw a temper tantrum every time he enters the local Target. Enjoy age five while it lasts. Six is coming.
The sassy sixes
Six-year-olds are the Google of young children, or so they think. That’s because 6-year-olds are experts at everything. And just when you got used to your fantastic 5-year-old, she had a birthday and opened up a gift box filled with sass. So get ready for car rides filled with, “Mommy, you’re wrong!” and “Mommy, you don’t know anything about fairies.” One thing you will know a lot about is sass, because your 6-year-old will deliver it each and every day.
Just when you got used to your fantastic 5-year-old, she had a birthday and opened up a gift box filled with sass.
The 7 going on 30s
Three words: Drop-off playdate! Boo-ya! You made it. Your 7-year-old will have sleepovers and drop-off birthday parties, and will start to see his friends as his primary entertainment rather than you. This will seem amazingly liberating for the first 27 seconds until you realize that your 7-year-old is growing up. And in a few short years — just 23 to be exact — he’ll be 30. That’ll feel like it’s almost tomorrow. Suddenly, those days of having a “Is this all you do?” 3-month-old will seem like paradise.
Sigh. Time to get a dog!
