You know the look. The one you get when someone sees you doing something with your baby they think you shouldn’t. I’m a mom of three who’s written several books about parenting, and even I can feel insecure (and simultaneously perturbed) when I notice someone judging what I’m doing with one of my kids. And granted, sometimes, maybe I deserve that disapproval. (It’s a little embarrassing, for instance, that the behind-the-counter staff at our neighborhood burgers-and-burritos joint know my children by name.)
But there are also plenty of examples of times parents get criticized for doing something that scientific research actually endorses. If you’re regularly practicing any of these activities and worry what people might think of you, don’t. Science has your back.
Spit-washing a dropped pacifier
Piercing a baby’s ears
Despite the risks that can come with piercings regardless of age, infant ear piercing can be safe as long as the procedure is performed correctly and the wound is cared for well. The AAP affirms that ears may be pierced “at any age” but recommends waiting until the child is mature enough to take care of the pierced site herself.
Still, if your family’s or culture’s tradition is to pierce an infant’s ears, then there’s really no scientific reason not to do so. Just keep in mind the importance of having the procedure completed in a sterile environment by a qualified person who can guide you in post-procedure care. I agree with the AAP, which encourages parents to “have a doctor, nurse, or experienced technician” perform the procedure, and to ensure that the posts can’t come loose and pose a choking hazard. It’s also a good idea to wait until after the second round of vaccinations and your pediatrician has signed off on your baby’s overall health.
Using 'parentese'
What many call baby talk — now more typically referred to as “parentese speech” — is the communication style many of us tend to use automatically when we speak to babies. We address them almost musically, exaggerating our words and drawing out our vowels while speaking in a higher pitch. (“Do you see the babyyyyy? She’s little, like you! Oh, hi babyyy! Can you say hiiiiiii to the baaaby?”)
For some of us, this feels completely natural, even instinctive. For others, it can create feelings of self-consciousness, especially when others are watching (and possibly judging). We might even hear from people that we’re limiting our child’s development by using infantile speech patterns, that we should speak in a more “adult” tone that will model language use and acknowledge the intelligence of infants.
The truth, though, is that across languages and cultures, and controlling for socioeconomic status, speaking in parentese aids a child in terms of attention and social responsiveness, vocabulary acquisition, spoken word recognition, vocalization, and on and on. Babies even prefer baby talk over standard speech. Later on, they’ll obviously (hopefully!) move toward standard speech. But for now, let them have fun learning the patterns, rhythms, and vocabulary of their language while interacting with you in a way that connects you two even more.
Holding a baby too much
Even these days with decades of science that say otherwise, there are still people who will warn you about being too responsive to your baby’s cries. They’ll say that frequently holding your baby or picking her up or responding every time she calls for you will spoil her and teach her that she can manipulate you into responding whenever she wants you nearby. They’ll emphasize the importance of letting kids learn to soothe themselves, so they don’t grow up too dependent or entitled.
Science doesn’t have much patience for this particular position. Research argues, instead, that babies are cognitively incapable of manipulation, and you can’t spoil them through affection, holding them too much, or responding to their cries. Yes, you have to take care of your own needs, but hold your baby as much as you can and as much as she needs. That’ll strengthen the relationship and create trust between the two of you. Plus, doing so comes with numerous health and developmental benefits, for both parent and child.
But what about the dependence argument? If you’re there every time your child needs you, won’t that prevent him from developing the ability to meet his own needs? Actually, longitudinal research over many decades has demonstrated that when parents respond quickly and sensitively to their child’s cries (even beyond infanthood), it does not make the child more dependent, but rather promotes independence because the child comes to trust that the caregiver will be there when needed and keep them safe when a need is communicated. They’ll, therefore, feel safe enough to explore and move toward independence as they’re developmentally ready, and take healthy risks and face life’s challenges with resilience.
As for the message you’re sending when you respond to your infant’s cries? Yes, he’s going to learn the lesson that when he needs you, you’ll be there for him. What better message do you want to repeatedly send at this early stage of his life?
My closing advice is to trust yourself
I’m not saying that on any of these issues, you should completely ignore what others think. Listen to other credible, trustworthy opinions — those of your family and friends, and those of experts, including your pediatrician and scientific studies. After all, knowledge is power, and the more you can inform yourself, the better you’ll be able to make good decisions for your child.
But then, once you’ve heard the information and opinions, considered your family and cultural traditions, and thought about your particular infant’s needs, trust yourself to make the bests decisions for your baby and yourself. Yes, you have your own biases and preconceptions, and it’s important to remain aware of any moments where you might not be open-minded. But assuming you’ve sincerely listened to the advice of the experts and the people you trust, you can then relax and trust your instincts, deciding what makes the most sense to you. Each child, and each family, is different. There are lots of ways to be a great parent. And with your child, and in your family, you are the expert.
Tina Bryson, Ph.D., is the author of new book The Bottom Line for Baby: From Sleep Training to Screens, Thumb Sucking to Tummy Time — What the Science Says, available now.
