Things were different 10 years ago. The conversations about mental health that are prioritized now were just starting to take hold — especially those related to moms. I was so excited about becoming a mom for the first time, that the feelings I started to have once we got home from the hospital really caught me off-guard. Once the flow of visitors slowed down, and eventually stopped altogether, reality hit. I felt overwhelmed, like I was in a constant state of fear.
I was afraid to get it all wrong, and when I looked at my baby, I remember thinking, “I’m going to fail this child.” So determined to “get it right,” I refused most help from my ultra-attentive husband and my mom who stayed with us for a month after my son was born. I did all of the nighttime nursing sessions and middle-of-the-night diaper changes on my own — not because they didn’t want to help, but because I thought that if I could maybe handle those things on my own, I might actually turn out to be a good mom. Needless to say, I also reached a desperate state of sleep deprivation pretty quickly, and that certainly didn’t help matters.
I could tell I wasn't depressed
I lied at my postpartum checkup
When my OB had me fill out the form that screens for postpartum depression and anxiety, I flat-out lied. I knew I was lying and I knew that I shouldn’t, but the anxiety told me that if anyone knew I was struggling, they’d think I wasn’t cut out for motherhood.
I was also absolutely terrified of being medicated. I’m not exactly sure why, but I’ve always been the type of person to avoid medical intervention and taking medication whenever possible. I was also exclusively breastfeeding at that point, and I assumed the medication would affect that but never even asked.
If I'm being honest, I've always been prone to anxiety
I’m an overthinker and a fixer, and new motherhood amplified those tendencies. Back then I was 26 and I hadn’t yet learned the stress management techniques that I know now. I knew nothing of self-care until after my son was born. My entire life had been about the grind: working hard, meeting goals, and overcoming obstacles, no matter how stressful they were. I lived in the stress and anxiety and just put my nose to the ground and kept moving.
Knowing that I eventually had to return to work and leave my baby boy made the anxiety worse. I couldn’t fathom how I would handle the stress of working and a newborn, on top of worrying about how he was doing and what I was missing while I was away.
Motherhood forced me to realize that I couldn’t keep living like that. Because eventually, the feelings of being overwhelmed and scared all the time made me deeply unhappy.
I wish I knew then what I know now
The conversations about mental health have changed drastically over the past decade, and for that I am so grateful. By the time I had my second child three and a half years later, I knew what to look out for, simply because there is so much information available now — particularly on social media — and by that point, I knew that I wasn’t the odd woman out. I’d heard from and talked to many other moms who had similar experiences, which made me feel empowered.
So after my second child was born, I allowed myself to drop all expectations and to just be present with her. I had also stopped working out of the home full-time, which stripped away some of the added stress I had after my son was born. I also established some self-care practices like regular exercise and cleaner eating, which helped a ton. I worried less about everything, and even despite some stressful issues we had with weight and breastfeeding, I allowed myself to just get up and do my best every day.
I’m a mom, so of course I still worried about things. I still do… every day. It was normal worry, though. It wasn’t extreme and overwhelming, and it most certainly wasn’t constant. But the second time around I was comforted by the fact that if I did need professional help, I didn’t have to be afraid to ask for it — and you shouldn’t be either.
