Your home is your life. If your house is a mess, that reflects negatively on you as a woman. After centuries of the patriarchy, frankly, I'm surprised you didn't know that by now.
So get your act together by spring cleaning your home. Here are some very helpful tips for you to take your garbage home and turn it into something that will trap you with its expectations and thankless drudgery until you die and/or escape to the desert and sell meth.
1. Divide
3. Move
Move out in the middle of the night, taking nothing but your whiskey and children.
Start over in a new town.
4. Take inventory
Throw away everything that doesn't bring you joy.
This includes your teenagers, husband and all pants with zippers.
5. Pile your belongings
After you gather all your stuff, take your belongings on a boat and give it a Viking funeral by lighting it on fire and sending it out to sea.
6. Don't clean
Let it get so bad that your family signs you up for a reality show where a professional comes in and cleans.
Kick back and enjoy the money.
7. The mess isn't the problem
It's the fact that you can see it.
Have your eyes surgically removed and never see again.
8. Just don't look
If you cannot afford the eye-removal surgery, just ingest enough booze that you cannot see.
Stay this way forever.
