Because I Said So
Punch a Pillow
Just as you shouldn't tell kids to suppress their feelings, you also shouldn't teach them to channel those feelings in unproductive ways.
When we're told to punch a pillow or punching bag and to "let it out" in aggressive ways, the action creates a link between anger and aggression. In a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, researchers found that people are better off doing nothing than venting their anger. Actually, instead of being a cathartic act, punching increased people's hostility.
There aren't just two options to expressing anger (that is, holding it in or letting it out). Teach kids nonviolent responses like counting to 20 or venting emotions through writing or drawing. Here are other healthy ways for children to deal with their frustrations.
Here, Let Me Do It
You may be in a rush to leave or your child just isn't getting the right answers on his homework. In many cases, it's tempting to take matters into your own hands, but doing so can make kids feel like they're not good enough or keep them from learning. Instead, try a collaborate approach and suggest you both work on the problem together. Lead kids to the answer through questions and explanations instead of straight out doing it for them.
Great Job!
When kids are showered with blanket statements like "Great job!" or "Nice work" for even the little things, these compliments become meaningless and don't work. Positive reinforcements can help build self-esteem, but kids can tune it out when they get repetitive. Plus, research has found that students who received a lot of praise for their intelligence instead of effort became overly fixated on the results and undermined their motivation.
Instead of being vague, emphasize their actions and efforts and maintain a healthy balance of praises and rewards. ("You colored the sky different shades of blue, which make it look so real" and "Your grandma smiled when you gave her that drawing" instead of just "Beautiful job!")
Dr. Jim Taylor, an expert on the psychology of parenting, writes that for young children especially, the best thing parents can do is to simply highlight what the kids did. "For example, if your toddler just climbed a playground ladder for the first time, just say, 'You climbed that ladder by yourself.' Their smile of pride will tell you that they got the message you wanted them to get, namely, 'I did it!' Nothing more needs to be said."
Just Wait Until Your Mom/Dad Gets Home!
Passing the buck to your partner undermines your authority and makes your partner the bad cop when both parents are both equals and should be a unified team. It's important to keep kids' bonds with both parents fear-free and healthy.
The threat of "just wait 'til your mom/dad gets home" also puts a pause on the penalties. By the time your partner gets home, your child probably will either forget what she did wrong or wait in agony for the punishment (a consequence she might not even have deserved in the first place). For kids to connect their actions to consequences, handle the situation right then and there.
RELATED: What Not to Say to Your Stepkid
You Can Have Dessert If You Finish Your Veggies
A short-term solution for dealing with picky eaters is to offer desserts as a reward for eating vegetables or trying a new food, but this tactic can have long-term consequences. Using desserts as a reward sends a message that other "have-to-eat" foods aren't as good as desserts. Research also shows kids who see food as a reward may turn into adults who also seek food as reward and are more likely to binge-eat or diet.
RELATED: 10 Myths About Kids and Food
Why Can't You Be Like Your Sister?
When you compare children to their siblings with comments like "Your sister would never do that" or "Your room is always messier than your brother's," you're not holding one sibling up as a shining example. Instead, kids can feel resentful or it can lead to unhealthy sibling rivalry.
Every kid is different with his or her own personalities and temperament. Comparing your children to someone else can make them think you wish they were different. Instead, compare them to themselves. How has she improved in the last year? How has his strengths and weaknesses changed?
