Co-Parenting Basics
Mindful, Not Critical
Criticism of your ex-spouse tends to create more emotional instability and insecurity in a child’s life, said Chase Kerrey, a licensed therapist with Doorways, a Phoenix-based clinic that provides counseling and psychiatric services for adolescents and young adults. Avoid criticizing your ex in front of your children. “Let the child make up his own judgments in time without having to feel pressured to choose sides. Even if the other parent doesn’t play by the rules, your adolescent needs to learn from somewhere how to be an emotionally mature adult,” he said.
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Be Polite
If you need something from your child’s father, asking politely can go a long way toward maintaining a harmonious relationship. For example, Coffey suggested that if you want to spend more time with your daughter, ask if it would be OK to have an extra hour on Sunday so you can go to a movie instead of just demanding more time, which could lead to conflict.
On the Same Page
Come up with shared rules and expectations of your household before the separation or divorce and enforce them, whether it’s about curfew, homework or discipline. “Research suggests that in turmoil, adolescents typically find security in structure and predictability. So, by having rules of the house and enforcing them consistently and non-emotionally, parents create a safe place for the adolescent to emotionally adjust,” Kerrey said.
Keep Conflicts Quiet
You and your former spouse, no matter how civil you are toward each other, are bound to disagree every now and then. But if there are ongoing legitimate conflicts that affect the safety and well-being of your child, Kerrey advised seeking resolution as quickly as possible outside of your adolescent’s view. “Try to keep the adult problems between adults so that your child can focus on being a kid,” he said.
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Remain Positive and Direct
In addition to speaking positively about the other parent to or within earshot of your children, also avoid putting them in a position of keeping secrets from or about him. And try not to use your kids as messengers. “Parents should communicate with one another and not use the children as a go-between,” Coffey said.
Double Up
Buy two of everything so that your child feels equally at home wherever he’s spending the next few days. Having similar items in each house makes for a more seamless transition from mom’s house to dad’s, Coffey advised. “Providing their favorite toy or blanket and basics like toothbrushes, hairbrushes, clothes and pajamas in each house makes for less packing and taking back and forth between households.”
