Having a teenager is very different from having a little kid, for so many reasons. When your children are small, every problem feels like maybe it could be life or death. Sometimes it actually is. Choking on toys, falling down stairs, and running in front of cars can all be really dangerous but when kids are teens, things are just as dangerous but a lot subtler. We have to work a lot harder to see the danger signs.
It’s easy to redirect toddlers and preschoolers but it’s much harder to redirect a teen. When your teen gets bad grades or is struggling in school, you can’t just discipline it away. You’ve got to figure out how to get your teenager to focus. You’ve got to help them help themselves without over-inserting yourself.
How do we recognize the signs?
They’re always bored or find school to be 'unfair'
If your teen always complains about school being boring or "unfair" keep an eye on them, they might be struggling. If your teen is blaming everything wrong with school on the teachers or the classes, there is probably something going on. Here are more tips:
- Don’t lecture. Talk to them. Listen to them but don’t talk at them.
- Support them. Let them know that you’re in this together and you’ll help them achieve their goals.
- Help them find their “why?" Giving a teen a purpose is a great motivator. Maybe your teenager hates calculus but she wants to be a lawyer someday, explain to her that calculus teaches analytical thinking skills and analytical thinking skills are imperative to becoming a lawyer.
Your teen seems more distant than usual
We all know that teens are notorious for spending lots of time alone or with friends in their room. It’s probably their favorite place to be but if you notice your teenager seems lethargic, closed off, or more detached than usual, look more closely. Ways to help:
- Make sure that they know you are there for them and on their side. Teens pull away when things get uncomfortable.
- Keep an eye out for shifts in behavior like sleeping too much, anxiousness, nail biting, weight loss, depression, and feeling too sick to go to school.
- Get them the help they need whether it be academic, mental, or emotional.
Your teen is angry all the time
What you might think is typical teen angst might be your teen masking their struggle, especially if you notice these behaviors revolve around the time they leave for or arrive home from school. Here's what to do:
- Discuss what you’ve observed with your teen and ask them what’s going on in their life that is making them so frustrated and angry. Social worker Andrea Eisen Bates told Mom.com, “Often our kids just want us to ask. They want us to see them struggling. We're one of the few places they feel safest. We're where they go for help, even when they don't know how or why they need it. Let them tell you.”
- Organize a meeting with the school guidance counselor for you and your teen.
