As a kid, I was always a little different. I was one of the more booksmart kids in my class. I won essay contests and earned A’s. But there were other areas of my life that really made me struggle. I was very forgetful, and I could never keep my backpack, locker, or desk clean for very long. At Girl Scout camp, my tent was awarded the “Tornado Tent” two years in a row for how messy it was. My time management was never very good. I had trouble reading analog clocks for some reason, and would often hyperfocus on a task, not realizing how much time it was taking. I also had issues with prioritizing what to do first, and hated making decisions so much that I simply wouldn’t start a task because I didn’t know where to begin, worried that I would make the wrong choice.
Socially, I had a hard time dealing with peers who weren’t nice to me. It was really hard for me to just shrug off normal childhood taunts. This made me a target for bullying because of how much I would overreact. The middle school years? Don’t get me started. It was a constant barrage of girl drama.
Yet somehow I managed
Most of the official symptoms make you think of boys who can’t sit still and want to punch their friends all the time
ADHD – Inattentive is a lot more about zoning out and lacking certain executive functioning skills like working memory, time management, planning, prioritization, and emotional regulation. It is also coupled with Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria, a mental condition that creates intense suffering from any type of rejection, real or imagined. As a child, that came out in anger and frustration, and as a young adult, I just assumed that nobody was my real friend, or I had to be perfect to belong to my friend group.
After my diagnosis, I was prescribed Adderall, which, after a few adjustments, has helped me significantly, as well as getting on anti-anxiety medication. But after going through all of this, now I’m scared that I’m going to start seeing my childhood self in my daughter, who is 6.
Her teachers are already commenting on things like “she loses her items on the playground” and “her desk is always a mess”
She is behind her peers in reading, so I have to help her with first grade homework each night, and I see how she struggles to focus after a long day of school, fidgeting in her seat, not wanting to expend any more mental energy. Her handwriting is atrocious, same as mine was — an often-cited indicator of ADHD.
I love my Adderall, but the idea of medicating a 6-year-old just seems atrocious to me. She’s still growing and the chemistry of her body is going to change so much over the next few years. At this point, if I can avoid it, I want to. But is it worth it to get her evaluated?
I spent my first 37 years unmedicated and undiagnosed, and you can’t argue with the results
I’m a teacher with a master’s degree and a published author. I got where I am today through sheer force of will. I had to find out how to counterbalance my deficits in executive functioning, and I did it. Medication doesn’t fix everything, and I still rely on the tools I’ve learned to help me along the way. If I just medicate her, or get her accommodations through a 504 plan, will she ever learn those helpful skills, or just expect the world to accommodate her (possible) disability?
I don’t want my daughter to be miserable, but I also want her to be as tough as I’ve become. Surely there is some kind of middle ground, but right now I don’t see it.
