Believe it or not, happiness wasn’t always a parenting goal. If you go back to the not-so-distant past — aka the “children are to be seen and not heard” days — most parents just wanted their kid to stay alive long enough to get to work and contribute economically. But for 21st-century parents, the stakes are higher and the goal much more elusive.
By and large, we want kids who are fulfilled and content, who have self-esteem, who are competent and confident and capable. It’s just that we don’t always know, or agree on, how to get them there. In fact, sometimes our well-intended efforts do just the opposite.
Mom.com spoke with five different parenting experts about the things — big or small — that can help get our kids on the path to happiness. Here’s what they had to say.
Acknowledge that everything you know is wrong
Let them do it for themselves
“They’re happier when they know how to do for themselves,” Borba said. Basically, it’s OK to give kids a little more independence as they get bigger. “At age 2, you’re going to do things for them — but you can start stepping back as they get older,” she added. As kids grow, it’s less about maintaining control, and more about being a counselor, coach, or guide.
Unschedule a little
“Look at your kid’s schedule and ask, Is there anything we can drop?” Borba said. Kids need time for cloud gazing and looking at the grass outside.
Hit your own pause button
It could also be that you’re stressed, Borba said. “You feel like an Uber driving them everywhere. Is there anything you can cut? Is there one way that you don’t have to feel like Martha Stewart, so you can just enjoy?”
Make time for others
“When are you happiest? When you’re with others,” Borba said. “So, make sure your child has opportunities to connect in real time with peers so he can practice social skills.”
Collaborate on the rules
Writer, editor, and advocate Sara Gilliam co-authored (along with her mother) the 25th anniversary edition of the seminal book Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls — which is to say, she knows a thing or two about today’s teen girls and their fraught relationship with social media and smartphones. As much as possible, she said, it helps to approach conversations around things like screen time collaboratively.
“Instead of handing down rules — no phones after 7 p.m.! — invite children to share their own ideas of best practices and aim to meet in the middle. A little democratic parenting goes a long way toward empowering children to make their own good decisions.”
Find the 'just right' solution for each child
“The teen years are, of course, challenging for nearly every child and family,” Gilliam said. “But yes, happiness is possible … with intentionality.” The exact solutions look a little different for each family and even each child.
“When my older brother’s relationship with my parents felt frayed, my mom began a practice of weekly breakfasts with him,” Gilliam said. “At 7:30 a.m., they’d go out for cheap pancakes and conversation away from home (and his pesky little sister).”
“I, on the other hand, needed to feel trusted,” she added. “I might have asked for a later curfew in exchange for better communication about where I was and who I was with.”
