In the summer of 2019, which seems like a lifetime ago, my husband’s great-aunt Frances passed away. It was not an unexpected passing. She was 96 and suffering from dementia. By the time we had our daughter, Alyssa, Aunt Frances was pretty far gone. She had only met her a few times before her passing.
The funeral was very small, with some local relatives and the three of us. Alyssa was four at the time, and she had a lot of questions about the coffin, the fake grass around it, and the headstones. As a person who believes that being honest about death is the best way to approach it, I explained what I could without going into too much detail. The service was quick and we went home. My daughter didn’t talk about it anymore, and was much more interested in getting to go to McDonald’s for dinner.
Fast-forward a few days. I came into her room to put away some laundry, and she excitedly showed me a group of dolls and stuffed animals gathered around a shoe box.
“Look, Mom, he’s died”
It’s also a good way to take your child’s emotional temperature
If you’re like me, and think that a child is too young to understand a situation, but then ends up wanting to play through a similar scenario, that’s a very good indication that they did understand (at least somewhat) what was going on and may have questions or confusing feelings about it.
It’s time to “play it out,” and then debrief with your child by asking questions about thoughts and feelings. Take advantage of the situation instead of trying to get them to play something else. Play is an excellent tool for communication, so keep an open mind. I’m glad I did, as much as I felt like Morticia Addams letting Wednesday have her way.
