Changing Rules
Get to Know the Kids
Invite the new gang over so you can get to know them, recommends adolescent expert Carla Stokes. This is a good way to monitor the crowd behavior. Plus, you get to know that at least while the kids are in your care, you won't have much to worry about. It's also a good idea to become familiar with their parents, even though you might not share their values or parenting philosophy.
Avoid Criticisms
Don't express your displeasure with the crowd or cut down the pals, warns Horowitz. "If you do, you will create the 'forbidden fruit' phenomenon and drive your child even closer to them," she says. Preteens are struggling to break away from you, so the harder you push them away from something, the harder they'll cling to it.
Back Away From Ultimatums
For the same reason, it will also probably backfire if you forbid your child to hang out with the crowd, says Stokes. Besides, you can't possibly have control over your child's every move, and you shouldn't: If you set an ultimatum, you're only encouraging him to sneak around and lie about his whereabouts.
Set Limits
On the other hand, you should set some boundaries for your tween to give yourself peace of mind and protect her safety. Horowitz recommends sitting with your child and coming up with some rules you can both live with. For example, she can hang out with the new friends after school a few times a week if they're at a school event or a friend's home where the parents are present. "The more a kid is involved in making the rules, the more she'll follow them."
Encourage family time
This accomplishes many things, says Lisa Bahar, marriage and family psychotherapist. It lets your preteen know you care about him and want to stay engaged with him, even if he's growing up and making choices you don't always approve of. It also exposes him to your family values and takes away time spent with the group. And, though he would never admit it, a family activity like dinner at grandma's house may actually "serve as an excuse not to go along with the crowd on an activity that makes him uncomfortable," she says.
Steer Toward Other Friends
This may occur naturally if you've noticed your child's stopped doing the activities he used to enjoy, says Horowitz. For example, maybe your son used to spend his free time playing basketball, but now has given it up. You might ask him, "I wonder what you could do about this." Your son then may come up with the idea of calling his old basketball buddies … and presto! He's hanging out with someone else.
MORE: Taming Tween Tantrums
