I keep thinking shapewear is over. Last time I wore it I had just given birth and women were using it to looks slimmer. But shapewear has come a long way in the past decade. It's not just for slimming. Oh no. It's gotten much, much more ambitious — and a whole lot weirder.
Check out these beautimous foundation garments guaranteed to squeeze you into your "rightful" lady shape — and destroy your organs' ability to do their jobs. Oh the secret joys of womanhood!
What's the worst piece of shapewear you've ever tried?
Image via truecorset.com
Brazilian Padded Panty
Forget slimming. Today's shapwear is all about MORE, as in more booty, baby. So strap on this padded panty and keep up with the Kardashians. (Brazilian Bump-on-a-Rump Padded Panty, $11.99 at lovemybubbles.com)
Butt & Thigh Enhancer
Does it seem like something important is missing from this girdle? Well joke's on us, because that peek-a-boo pannel is there to lift your buttocks and allow your glutes to jiggle. No dignity for you, lady! (Ann Cherry Powernet Short Amali Butt and Thigh Enhancer, $64 at lingeriemart.com)
Butt Lifter
Don't bother doing all those squats. Let this lifter do all the work for you and Free the Butt! (Flakisima Perfect Butt Lifter Thermal Pant Shaper, $15.90 at lingeriemart.com)
Long John Shapewear
Oh, but perhaps you want a little more coverage than that? There's a girdle for you, too. Relish the complete compression of this waist-to-ankle shaper, because: Cankles. (Namoi Nicole Firm Control Pantiliner With Derrierre Lift Shaper, $42 at macys.com)
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Booty Enhancing Skinny Jeans
If you wanted to, you could dispense with the undergarments altogether and just wear jeans that double as body shapers. (Hourglass Booty Enhancing Skinny Jeans by Verox, $67.80 at hourglassangel.com)
Steel-Boned Corset
Don't you wish we could bring back the days of whalebone corsets? Well Steampunker, we can't. Whales are protected. But you can get the next best thing: A steel-boned corset. Now doesn't that sound so much more confortable? Look how much fun this lady is having wearing hers. (Steel Boned Tafetta Black Cincher Corset, $60 at truecorset.com)
Silk Brocade Corset
Ooh, a lace-up corset! Because you have nothing but time on your hands when you get dressed every morning. Not included: Lady-in-waiting to help with cinching. (Hourglass Silk Floral Brocade Corset, $129.99 at hourglassangel.com)
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Shaping Dress Slip
Good thing you weren't planning to walk or dance in that dress or anything! (CASS Shapewear V Neck Dress Slip, $128 at cassandco.com)
Plunging Shapewear
This is the bodysuit for those of you daring enough for deeply plunging necklines, but not daring enough to unleash your real curves upon the world. This baby seems to be sold out everywhere, so maybe they're onto something? (Dr. Rey Shapewear Deep Plunge Bodysuit, currently unavailable at classicshapewear.com)
Arm Shapers
Banish those bat wings with these arm shapers. They don't look at all weird! (MeMoi SlimMe Arm Shapers, $30 at classicshapewear.com)
Men's Body Shaper Vest
A new dawn breaks and behold: Now men get to experience torture through shapewear, too! Maybe there's hope for equality between the sexes, after all. (Ann Cherry Men's Chaleco Body Shaper Vest With Zipper, $80 at lingeriemart.com)
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Men's Latex Girdle
It's a Merdle! Practice saying to your husband: No, honey, that girdle doesn't make you look like a cross-dresser at all. (Ann Cherry Men's Latex Girdle Body Shaper, $47 at lingeriemart.com)
