If you're a cat lover, then you know they can be the most cuddly, lovable things on four legs. But when they even suspect that they're being crossed, they turn into shrieking, hissing little hellions in no time at all. That seems to have been the case for one woman on Reddit, who recently had an "incident" with her cat in the middle of the night that led to some stitches … and let's just say, it was in an area of the bod where you never want to get them.
It all started one day when a tornado watch hit the woman's county.
Wanting to be prepared, she filled the water with bathtub. (According to ABC News, the water can come in handy in the event that water sources are compromised, because it can be used for drinking, washing, and even flushing the toilet.)
Luckily, though, the tornado never came close enough to hit her area, and the bathtub water was no longer needed. Still, it seems she made one fateful error: She forgot to drain the bathtub before bed.
When she woke up the next morning, she did what most of us do first-thing: She went to pee.
In the process, her 10-month-old kitten sauntered into the room and did one of his newfound favorite things — he attempted to jump into the bathtub, not realizing it was filled with water. Instead of finding an empty tub to run around in, he was met with several feet of icy cold water.
He was, in a word, PANICKED.
"He let out this godawful shriek, like he'd just jumped into a vat of acid," the woman wrote in her post, which has since been deleted.
But that's when she made another fateful error.
"Like a total idiot, I sprung into action to save him, still pants-less," the woman explained. (Pro tip: You're gonna want to remember that small detail.)
Her attempts to rescue the little guy proved trickier than she expected.
"If any of you are experienced with trying to 'help' a panicked cat, you know it's like trying to help a cyclone made out of knives," she wrote. "I reached into the tub to grab him. He bit my finger in a total panic, and then started to climb my arm like it was a branch made out of really thick, tough tree bark. Except it was my arm and made out of human skin, so he left massive scratches. I screamed and automatically shook him off."
Yikes.
What transpired next happened in slow motion ...
At least, that's how she remembers it.
"As he fell towards the water, towards what I think he presumed was his watery grave, he used his kitty flexibility to twist around and take a swipe at the closest thing he could reach," she wrote.
There was just one problem. "The closest thing was my bare vulva," she explained.
OH. MY. GOD.
"He got his claws right up in the mons pubis," the woman recalled. "There were worse places there for his claws to dig in, I guess, but I wasn't really thinking about that when he had his claws nice and deep in there like he was trying to dig a new hole or something."
(FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, THESE DESCRIPTIONS.)
"Worse part is, it didn't even save him," she continued. "He still fell into the water. He managed to get out pretty quickly without my interference, which made me feel pretty stupid."
Before she knew it, she was left standing there, covered in blood and, well, kind of horrified by the whole thing.
"My finger was bleeding, my arm was bleeding, the big scratch on my vulva was bleeding," she wrote. "I ran to get some gauze pads, still not wearing pants mind you, and put pressure on the wounds."
Eventually, her arm and scratches calmed down … but her finger and vulva? Yeah, those were in bad shape.
Before she knew it, she was at her computer, Googling “how long bleeding how much bleeding hospital."
Then she called her mom.
“Mom, how much blood does there have to be to go to the hospital?” she asked — which only succeeded in freaking out her mom.
Despite the coronavirus, she ultimately decided she should go to the hospital. But not before creating a makeshift bandage of sorts …
"I put a pad in my underwear and fashioned a weird diaper bandage so I could put on pants," she explained.
Her mom drove over and then dropped her off at the hospital.
Once she was inside, she had the added enjoyment of having to explain her injuries.
"Hi, my cat attacked me and my vagina, please help," the woman told the nurse at the reception desk.
But that wasn't even the most embarrassing part of the whole thing. Oh no.
The most embarrassing part of the story came when the doctor finally took a look at her ... and was super attractive. (OF COURSE!)
"My doctor was this young, attractive guy who I think was definitely younger than me," she wrote. "I don't know why it would have been better if he was old and ugly, but it would have been."
"He stared intently at my vulva for a long time and then he had to do a stitch, which meant he was looking at it for even longer after that," she continued.
(ARE YOU DYING YET, OR IS IT JUST US?!)
"He was more concerned about the cat bite on my finger, which was a bit gnarlier to be honest, but much less embarrassing," she went on. "If it was just that I could have made up a cooler story. He gave that three stitches and told me, in not so many words, not to 'save' the cat next time. Like he needed to say it."
Needless to say, this was quite the tale -- and people were quick to let her know it.
"My vulva hurts just reading this," one person commented.
"My vulva hurts from reading this, too," said someone else. " … AND I'M A DUDE!"
"As soon as you mentioned helping your cat pants less I knew what was gonna happen and I stood frozen in fear," someone else commented.
"I sat frozen with my legs crossed in fear," another person quipped, "but you do you."
We're not sure what the lesson here is. Don't fill your bathtub up for a tornado? Or do, but don't forget to drain it? Or maybe just don't walk around without pants if you own a cat who gets spooked easily?
Whatever the case, Godspeed to this woman — and lesson learned for the rest of us.
These stories are based on posts found on Reddit. Reddit is a user-generated social news aggregation, web content rating, and discussion website where registered members submit content to the site and can up- or down-vote the content. The accuracy and authenticity of each story cannot be confirmed by our staff.
