In life, it seems the straight and narrow path is boring and too good to be true, because it is. To reach success, you have circle around the block, stall out, hit a curb, go left with a right blinker on, and repeat. Maybe that’s why toxic things are so intriguing, at least that’s what I used to tell myself to make sense of my insanity.
According to Callisto Adams, PhD, a dating and relationship expert and relationship coach, some people with relatively or entirely toxic behavior subconsciously remind you of a toxic caregiver from whom you didn’t receive love as much as you needed to in the early stages of life (i.e. childhood). It’s entirely subconscious, and it’s part of why a lot of people with the "father complex" or the "mother complex" often end up in toxic relationships.
Growing up as a little girl with an incarcerated father, the love I always longed for created a void.
My father would send letters and call, but ultimately drugs and bad decisions made him a career criminal, and unfortunately for me, I was left feeling like I never mattered (although my mom showed me unconditional love every day). This inevitably affected my view on men, and when I was old enough, my dating life.
My first boyfriend at 16 years old was the polar opposite of my dad. He kept his word, if he was going to do something, he did it, even if we were mad at each other. This made me love him deeply, because my dad broke promises more than he broke the law. We dated long-distance for two years and split a little after graduation.
Every guy I dated after had a trait or two like my dad and because it came out early, I ended it just as quickly.
But then I met "MJ" and my entire perspective on dating changed.
We met in 2013 online and we never could get plans to stick, because, in my true fashion, he was yet again a long-distance situation. Over the years, we’d try to make something of the random flirting, and eventually, we did meet and go on a date or two. I will say, there were some red flags I noticed right away.
Communication was always a problem, I’ve always felt that if someone can go hours, let alone days without speaking to me, they aren’t truly interested and certainly couldn’t care about me. This is magnified when it’s a long-distance situation. And consistency goes parallel to communication. The fact that I had to tell him that was a red flag. Yet, no matter how many times I’d get upset and delete his number, we’d stop talking for months, and then he’d pop back up.
I blocked him on all social media and deleted his number. He contacted me on a text app.
I felt it was the biggest grand gesture, I mean who’s really going through all of that to talk to someone nowadays? It made me feel so special, wanted, and top tier. We talked and caught up for hours, and after discussing the issues that stopped us from being together in his past pursuits, we agreed to try again. And then I didn't hear from him a day or two.
Feeling like a priority is super important to me. As a kid, my mom made me feel like nothing else in the world mattered but me. She worked three jobs to take care of me and my two cousins. I never felt unloved because I was surrounded by family and friends that became extended family. But that void of an in-and-out father still lingered.
With MJ, I felt like an afterthought, which is why I never believed him when he said he loved me; and I would never commit to dating him seriously.
There were some crucial things that he said and did that let me know he wasn’t the one. Yet I still gave him chance after chance.
His level of toxicity didn’t come in the typical package, so there were bright red flags I absolutely missed.
For instance, he said I’d never meet his parents because he wasn’t aware it was “a thing” (yet he met my mom). He constantly discounted my accomplishments (I lost 80 pounds and his response was “you lost weight?”). Everything about him was a mystery. If I asked about his life, he’d say, “You’ll know eventually why do you need to know now?” He wasn’t emotionally vulnerable and willing to open up to me (I disclosed secrets and important issues about myself and he told me nothing about him). And finally, I was always to blame for us never being together (he never took accountability).
He never directly disrespected me, but his actions showed no respect for me as a potential mate. And it took me 8 years to come to grips with that.
No matter how badly things ended each time, he kept coming back over the eight years I knew him. This past month is when I finally said enough. And this time it was real because I realized I had become toxic to myself as well. If I was going to continue to allow him to treat me any way, then I’d allow anything, and that just wasn’t acceptable for me.
I had to do the same thing with my dad six months ago. My dad caused more damage being in my life than out: the hurtful words, the person he imagined me to be, and the way that he treated me only broke me down. How could someone I shared the same DNA with be this way to me? I decided to end that relationship for good, and though I think of him sometimes, it’s best to keep things as they are, for my peace and mental health.
Toxicity has no room in my life, my heart, or my phone. I have become the block and delete queen. If someone can’t value the person that I am and add light into my life, there is no need for them. I am not looking for someone to complete me, I may have a void, but I am fulfilled with genuine love from genuine people.
My hope is that I (and everyone) will fully commit to seeing the red flags and cultivating a life I love with those genuine souls.
