Breakfast at a Restaurant
A Professional Massage
Nothing says "Happy Mother's Day" like a pair of big strong hands kneading your trapezius muscle until you cry "uncle." Sure, one of those "massage" coupons from your kids is a cute idea, but does a 2-year-old really have the forearm strength to get that spasm out of your back? I didn't think so.
An Uninterrupted Shower/Bath/Bowel Movement
When was the last time you spent any time in the bathroom without someone barging in asking for a snack or upset about the ending to the latest "Game of Thrones"? (One or both of these could be your husband, by the way.) Put a sign on the door telling everyone to stay away until you emerge, refreshed, rejuvenated and ready to deal with everyone else's crap.
Chores Done Without Asking
I heard that somewhere, one time in history some kid actually did their chores without being asked. Sounds unbelievable, I know, like seeing Sasquatch or not eating chips at a Mexican restaurant. But if it happened once it can happen again, and what better time than on Mother's Day? A mom can dream, can't she?
An Empty Laundry Basket
Mt. Rushmore, an alien and the musical "Hamilton" are things I wish to see in my lifetime, and you can add "the bottom of my laundry basket" to that list. Actually, I'd much rather have those "Hamilton" tickets, but since we know that's impossible, I'll settle for the pleasing sounds of the washing machine humming without me on the morning of the 14th.
Guilt-Free Binge Watching
All I ask is six hours of continuous "Gilmore Girls" bingeing without someone walking in and making fun of the dialogue or mock-singing the theme song or asking me how many hours I've been binge watching "Gilmore Girls."
Wine
A bouquet of Mother's Day flowers these days will cost at least $30. For that price, you could buy a really nice bottle of wine. Or two bottles of decent wine. Or even better, 15 bottles of wine at Trader Joe's. I guarantee with all that wine on the table there isn't room for a vase, anyway.
