Lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m walking a tightrope of mental health. Any move in the wrong direction could send me toppling, and it’s exhausting. I feel like my bipolar diagnosis has been standing at the back of the room hanging out and suddenly, the pandemic has got behind that diagnosis and begin to nudge it uncomfortably forward. This might not make sense to you if you’re not a person with mental illness, but if you are, you know exactly what this feeling is.
My diagnosis of Bipolar 1 came the year after I got married, from the unlikeliest of places: my gynecologist. Her specialty is cervixes and uteruses, not mood disorders with a side of mania, but lucky me, I met one who also happened to be the mom of a daughter who was also bipolar. This is where my journey from broken to bent began. Let me tell you, it’s a huge relief when you realize there’s a diagnosis and you are not, in fact, broken.
The diagnosis was terrifying at first
What did it feel like?
It felt like running in high heels across the Grand Canyon on a tightrope. Other times, it feels like I’m stuck on a roller coaster perpetually going up, violently coming down and going right back up again. When this happens, all I can do is try to process my feelings while separating the noise and chaos from what must be done.
Sometimes that means shutting completely down and being still until the attack of everything that the world is hurling at me can pass. I need to make things digestible or I will be swallowed whole by them. I have to do whatever is needed to get through it without letting it bring my life to chaos. I know this about myself. The most important thing is knowing myself and being aware of the symptoms that accompany my illness. Giving myself over to those old reckless and self-satisfying behaviors is no longer an option for me.
I’m a mom
Not only do I need to be mentally healthy for myself, I need to be healthy enough to take care of and love my family. Knowing how to recognize, treat, and work through my illness is the only way that can happen.
There’s no room for ignoring and denying in mental health because in the end, it can mean the difference between life and death. Our children are always watching. I want them to know that there is no stigma to being mentally ill, seeing a therapist, taking medications or doing whatever needs to be done to stay healthy. The important thing is that we can embrace our disorder, love ourselves, and get the treatment we need to live our lives well.
If you or someone you know has a known mental illness or feels like you need help dealing with the current state of the world, please seek help from a licensed professional. Do it for your family. Do it for yourself.
