When my kids were all under the age of 4, my family got a lot of attention. Old ladies at the grocery store would tell me, “Wow! You have your hands full.” However, the number of young kids we had wasn’t the only reason we were subject to a lot of second glances, stares, and comments.
In the beginning of raising our young family, I would stumble through my responses. Like many women, I was conditioned from a young age to be polite and respectful of people, especially those older than me. But with time and practice, I began to shut down anyone who was nosily disrupting my family’s flow. If we were at the library, we were there to get books, not entertain strangers and their questions. If we were in line at the airport bathroom, I wasn’t interested in talking about my fertility or my child’s personal adoption story.
I got to the point where if people didn’t “take a hint” when I tried to shut them down the first time, I would just simply say “that’s personal” or “that’s none of your business.” Like all moms, I just wanted to get through whatever errand I was running or enjoy a fun event with my kids without someone poking their nose where it didn’t belong.
My goal was to focus on my children and be their mom, which meant making sure no one demanded “the story” out of them or tried to put me on a pedestal for adopting. Even those who thought they were being supportive and complimenting us weren’t appropriate. I had people approach me and say, “God bless you for giving these children a good home,” assuming my children were doomed if they would have stayed with their birth families.
The reality is, we have four open adoptions and ongoing, healthy relationships with their birth families. If your family looks different, whether you have a child with disabilities, a large family, only one kiddo, or a multiracial family, I want you to know that it’s OK to shut down anyone who is disrespecting your family.
Having a few go-to phrases helps. You don’t have to generate something in the moment. You do not have to tolerate anyone who is being nosy or insulting. You can do this. Practice really does make perfect.
I am a friendly person who loves a good conversation. However, I put a hard stop to anyone who is trying to investigate my family’s legitimacy or the intimate details of my children’s adoptions. Moms of “different” families are the definition of a Mama Bear. Don’t mess with us.
