“¿Sabes cocinar?”
Can you cook?
“Una mujer como tu no quiere hijos, verdad?”
A woman like you doesn’t want kids, right?
I’ll never forget the scolding look in my children’s abuela’s eyes as she grilled me on my knowledge of cooking and cleaning, and my desire for children, trying to determine if I was “worthy” of her son based on how I answered her questions.
I could feel the immense cultural pressure weighing down on my shoulders — the pressure to be “worthy” of a relationship based on my domestic abilities. Despite the fact that I am brilliant, creative, adventurous, loving, caring, and kind, all she wanted to know was if I wanted to have kids and what I knew how to cook.
I looked that woman straight in her eyes and told her that I did, in fact, know how to cook, and that a “woman like me” — an accusation against my free-spirited and dynamic nature — did indeed want to have children.
Yet none of that should have made me worthy of her son
I know, I know, this all sounds amazing yet radical and quite ambitious
I would say that it is indeed ambitious, but not impossible — there are simple actions to take to normalize boys helping in domestic activities.
Allow your sons to help in the kitchen — and start doing this with them when they’re toddlers. Let him crack an egg for you, add the garlic to the chicken, and stir the pasta.
My son loves to hold the dustpan for me after I’ve swept the floor, and we will often clean his room together. These simple acts demonstrate teamwork in domestic activities, thus normalizing them in the eyes of your son.
Now take a deep breath and repeat after me: “A boy can play with a baby doll and it will not emasculate him.”
Now exhale
Allowing your sons to play with baby dolls and to care for them is one of the best ways to prepare them for fatherhood. It gives little boys the opportunity to learn to nurture a baby by letting them change play diapers and feed them toy bottles. This does not emasculate them in any way but heightens their true divine masculine nature as fathers.
I want my daughters to know how to clean and keep a home in a manner that fits in the realistic dynamic of their families, and I want them to love on their children and care for them. I also want them to know our family recipes and how to prepare customary meals, to pass these traditions down to future generations… and I want my son to do the same.
I may never be able to change my children’s grandmother’s opinion on gender roles and the harsh expectations placed on young girls. I may never change her opinion on the amount of housework that should be given to boys, just like you may never be able to change the opinions of the elders in your life. But you can decide to change the course of your children’s destinies by creating an environment of domestic equality.
You can do this by teaching your sons to share in child-rearing and household responsibilities — his future partner will thank you.
This post was originally published on Mater Mea and was republished with the author's permission.
