I don't know about you, but I can't even count how many times I strolled through the aisles of a toy store or picked up one of my kid's playthings and thought to myself (in the voice of Jerry Seinfeld), Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one? Definitely maybe I have a dirtier mind than most, but some children's toys are so, er, adult-looking that one has to wonder if they were meant as a private dirty joke for parents (it's either that, or the people in charge of designing these things have absolutely no firsthand knowledge of human anatomy). The good news about such disturbingly inappropriate toys is that any innuendos generally tend to go over kids' heads, but still — how are you supposed to keep a straight face when something like one of these not-so-innocent items finds its way to your playroom?
Play-Doh Sweet Shoppe Cake Mountain Playset
Play D'oh, indeed: This what-in-god's-name-were-they-thinking plastic putty pumper is so unrepentantly phallic, Play-Doh is in the process of updating the playset and is offering to send replacement parts to offended parents. Thanks, Play-Doh, but there ain't no unseeing that thing.
SpongeBob Pez Dispensers
Looks like SpongeBob and Patrick are having themselves some kinda kinky underwater party. SpongeBob "Keep It In Your" Pants, more like.
E.T. Finger Light
E.T. phone . . . um, I don't know who that (previously) lovable alien might be planning on dialing up with this perved-out finger, but it better not be my kid.
Wolverine Squeaky Hammer
Okay, not only did they place the nozzle of this blow-up toy squarely on Wolverine's crotch, they named it a freaking SQUEAKY HAMMER. Are you kidding me?!
Muppets Hot Wheels (Beaker)
I believe the expression on Beaker's face on the package says it all. (Oh and hey! This one is still available for purchase!)
Punisher Shape Shifter
Whoa there, Punisher! Is that a weapon in your pants or are you just the sick, twisted fantasy of some messed-up Marvel exec (who's most likely been fired since this thing hit the shelves)?
Whippin' Web Chuk Spider-Man
Spider-Man better watch where he's whippin' those "web chuks." Somebody could lose an eye, for Pete's sake.
Discovery Kids "Real Skin" Dinosaur
The real "discovery" here is that necrophilia was a thing even back in prehistoric times. The "real skin" part only makes the whole thing creepier.
Disney's Rad Repeatin' Tarzan
Apparently Tarzan hasn't seen Jane for quite some time, so he's been forced to take matters into his own . . . hand.
SpongeBob Spin Pop
My eyes, my eyes! That's a LOLLIPOP on the end of that, uh, stick. A lollipop your kid is supposed to LICK. Lifelong SpongeBob nightmares FTW.
