Ever since having kids, I’ve become obsessed with my vagina. I think it started when I was around seven months pregnant with my second kid and taking a shower. I was washing my lady parts when I noticed things felt different down there. Was that my baby coming out? No way — it couldn’t be.
Whatever it was, it for sure did not feel like the vagina I knew and loved. The one that didn’t feel like massive rabbit ears between my legs. Alas, something was wrong with my labia after childbirth. But I was too scared to look and pretended all was well.
More from Mom.com: I Tore at the Top and Bottom During Childbirth — Here’s How I Recovered and Accepted My New Vagina
Hemorrhoids
Which, no doubt, will have to be cut out if you want your asshole to look like it did during its glory (hole) days.
C-sections
I have heard fellow C-section moms speak of a “jelly roll” or a “sausage under the scar,” and personally, I suffered such horrible seromas each time that it took over three operations to get that area to flatten out. One friend did lunchtime lipo, then regular lipo, and she still has a massive bulge that prevents her from wearing bathing suits comfortably. The only thing left to do now, the doctor says, is to go in and do some deep reattaching of skin, muscle, and some more technical things I’m too upset to research the exact terms for.
A big, old, saggy vagina|A big, old, saggy vagina
Sorry, ladies, you will not have anything close to what you had pre-kids. Your vajayjay will drop, sag, the inner lips might hang, and the outer ones will dangle. Your labia after childbirth just won’t be the same. You might feel awkward in leggings, as it may look like you’re wearing a maxi pad. Not saying this happens to everyone, but… it happens.
Forget about sneezing and staying dry. No way. You will pee when you laugh, pee when you cough, pee when thinking about having to pee. Even with the latest vagina-tightening treatments (I’ve done several), there will still be a little trickle, unless you have the real vagina surgery.|Sorry, ladies, you will not have anything close to what you had pre-kids. Your vajayjay will drop, sag, the inner lips might hang, and the outer ones will dangle. Your labia after childbirth just won’t be the same. You might feel awkward in leggings, as it may look like you’re wearing a maxi pad. Not saying this happens to everyone, but… it happens.
Forget about sneezing and staying dry. No way. You will pee when you laugh, pee when you cough, pee when thinking about having to pee. Even with the latest vagina-tightening treatments (I’ve done several), there will still be a little trickle, unless you have the real vagina surgery.
I have heard about a postpartum "stench"|I have heard about a postpartum "stench"
OK, this one sounds really gross, and thankfully I had two C-sections, as this would have really freaked me out. But one friend said postpartum stench is the thing no one talks about (but apparently rivaled my “worst morning breath”). Is this true, other vaginal birth moms?! Inquiring minds need to know!
Things getting put back together "crooked"
This is another doozy I heard from several moms. They said their skin was not sewn evenly both in their C-section area and their vaginas. One mom said, “It’s actually not a crooked vagina. It’s like, literally, a crooked entire abdomen. If you look at my belly from the front, it is tilted. Like they put everything back asymmetrically after my second C-section. It looks like the Joker’s mouth.” Yeah, real funny.
And before you start to feel sheer terror for your postpartum lady parts, know that in the grand scheme of things, it’s all going to be OK. Really. As a wise friend recently shared, “Now I am 45 with two daughters. One C-section and one home birth later, and my vagina will never be that Playmate-ready version of my youth. But that’s OK. That vagina had no idea of the fun that was to come.”
