A vicious stomach bug made its way through our house last month, hitting me especially hard. I was still feeling the after effects of exhaustion even after my kids bounced back and were ready to return to school. I dropped them off one morning and told one of the teachers I was going home to take a nap.
"Oh, isn't it nice that you can do that," she said.
It was a harmless comment and I have no doubt it was meant with the most innocent and kindest intentions. But I felt an ugly, hard knot in my stomach at her words.
Selfish, a little voice whispered in my head. You're selfish.
That word slithers through my brain like a venomous serpent, poisoning me with its bite. I first heard it from my mother when I was a teenager, long before I ever considered having my own children. In retrospect, I wonder if there is any teenager who isn't selfish? I've heard it again over the years, tossed out as a joke by "friends" who maybe didn't approve of some of my life choices. I've had it directed at me a few dozen times in Facebook comments since I became a blogger for Mom.com, in response to everything from delaying motherhood to formula feeding to wanting parenting equality with my husband.
It's the one word that cuts through me like a knife
Selfish, selfish, selfish
And it's never enough. No matter how much we do as mothers, there is always some mother, somewhere, who is doing it bigger and better. And don't we make it worse by comparing ourselves and judging ourselves for falling short?
Even if we're smart (and self-aware) and we don't compare ourselves, someone else will. Someone somewhere will say, "Oh yeah, she's nice, but she brought a store-bought cake to the potluck and she's kind of selfish, don't you think?" And we'll laugh at the joke, and laugh at ourselves for being so sensitive, and that word will echo in our heads.
I would never call another mother selfish, but I don't extend the same courtesy to myself. Even writing about my complicated feelings about the word selfish makes me feel, well, selfish. I'm the only one who feels like this, I tell myself even as I write the words. Other mothers, well, they don't feel selfish because they aren't selfish. They're fulfilled by motherhood in a way I just can't seem to be. They don't want or need more, they always have it together and they have boundless energy to do more than I can even imagine. That kind of thinking will drive you mad, trust me.
Taking care of ourselves when we're used to focusing all of our energy outward can feel wildly self-indulgent. Denying ourselves that self-care is a lesson in building resentment towards our spouses, our children and ourselves.
And here's the thing I'm learning ever so slowly:
It's OK to be selfish
Sometimes, when the well has run dry and you have no resources left to tap, it's OK to turn your focus inward and take a nap or have a good cry or simply rage at the world. It's OK. But the best thing to do would be to take care of yourself before you reach the point of rage and resentment. And we can tell ourselves—and each other—that it's OK over and over and over until we believe it.
Sometimes being selfish is a matter of self-preservation after a too-long period of neglecting self-care. But no mom should ever feel guilty for taking care of herself, in whatever form that may take. No mom should ever feel selfish for putting her needs first once in awhile. And maybe if I say that enough to other moms, I'll start to believe it about myself, too.
