It's hardly fair. After nine months of pregnancy aches and pains, I assumed I'd feel so much better once the baby was born. But although my nausea and heartburn quickly faded, my hormones went haywire, my hair fell out and I needed maxi pads in size jumbo elephant.
Horrified? Just wait—there's more! So much more. I've been to this sloppy rodeo twice now, and I'm here to tell you the freaky truth about our postpartum bodies, and some practical advice to get through it all.
1. The Grand Canyon
3. Am I Still in Labor?
I was nursing my newborn when I felt the unmistakable pain of a contraction. WTF? Was I having post-traumatic flashbacks? Turns out that in order for the uterus to return to its normal size, it contracts just like when you're in labor—and these contractions can be intensified by nursing or orgasm. My advice: Avoid orgasm, you postpartum sex monster. LOL.
4. Night Fever
A few nights after I got home from the hospital, something woke me, and for once it wasn't a hungry baby. Full body chills and night sweats, a product of post-pregnancy hormonal shifts, left me drenched and freezing. Or boiling hot. My advice: Go to bed in layers, and be prepared for a summer or winter look, depending.
5. Cry Me a River
Even if you're fortunate enough to avoid postpartum depression, there will be at least one day (or week or month) where you just cannot stop crying. Tiny socks make you cry. Unintentionally annoying husbands and mothers make you cry. The commercial with the puppy makes you cry. Blame hormones. My advice: Hole up with some cookies, a box of Kleenex and your baby, because no one else is going to understand what the hell is wrong.
6. Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow
Did your hair get really thick and full and gorgeous during pregnancy? That's too bad, because it's probably going to fall out now. This is normal (again, hormones) but still totally disconcerting. My advice: When you take a shower, don't look down.
7. Let it Flow
Of course you bleed after birth, but I assumed it would stop in about a week, like a heavy period. Guess what? There's this squishy afterbirth stuff called lochia (which fades from red to pink to yellow-white) that can keep on flowing for a month or more. My advice: Stock up on pads in every size, and save your nice lingerie for next year.
8. Baby Bump
A few weeks after I gave birth, a lady in a coffee shop asked me when I was due. That's because I still looked plenty pregnant, and so will you. Totally normal. So please wipe away the memory of the Duchess of Cambridge, svelte in her dress and heels one day after birthing Charlotte, and give yourself plenty of time to bounce back. My advice: Don't donate the maternity jeans just yet. No one has to know you're still sporting Liz Lange under your T-shirt.
