We are on the verge of electing our first female president. As women, there is no longer a career path that is out of reach to us. More of us go to medical school than men. And we have long been done with the phrase, “Girls can’t do that.”
Yet when we get married, we still just dispose of our last names like a used plastic water bottle that we can’t be bothered recycling. THEN, when we start a family. We don't give a second thought to giving our husband’s family name to the child that we’ve shared our body with for nine months and will worry over and love beyond reason for the rest of our lives.
Exactly.
So why are women who have been fighting hard for equal rights for over a century so completely disinterested in maintaining their own family name?
The argument that it’s their father’s family name and, therefore, comes from the male lineage holds no power, because change has to start somewhere. Or maybe we’re actually afraid of hurting our husband's feelings and depriving them of some paternal "right."
Many women are understandably attached to the idea of having one family name. Well, fine.
But, why can't it be the woman's?
When my mother and mother-in-law came to meet my son in the hospital, they were horrified to discover that our baby was going to have my last name. Instead of fawning over their grandson or recognizing that I’d just gone through 20 hours of excruciating back labor before a drug free delivery, they both told me “they didn’t like this last name plan.”
After they left, I turned to my husband in tears. “They were so mean,” I said.
“It’s OK,” he told me. “If we have another child, we can give him my name.”
“What?” I said. “Why would we do that? You want our kids to have two different names?”
That’s when I understood.
Even the most evolved men are not ready to give up their names for reasons that have to do with pride and, yes, sexism. Even in what I thought was our liberated family, we were struggling to erase the indelible imprint patriarchal institution.
In my emotional postpartum state, I tore up six pages of forms and changed my son’s last name to my husband’s. I think he was relieved. But I still regret it.
In my 18 years as a mother, no one has ever once asked me, “How do you feel about your children not having your last name?” If we had stayed with our original name plan, imagine how often Mark would have been asked that question, as if he'd sacrificed something important in not passing down his name?
I hope we do elect a female president in November because I want to finally be able to say to my daughter, “See. Women really can do anything.” And I also hope that the next female president has her own last name.
