Lonely, Selfish, Maladjusted is an oft-repeated mantra when it comes to only children. Well, as an only child who does not feel as though she fits into those parameters — at least most of the time — I beg to differ! So does Lauren Sandler, a fellow sibling-less peer and author of 2013 book One and Only: The Freedom of Having an Only Child and the Joy of Being One (Simon & Schuster).
“One of the things that I wanted to show in my book is that there are lots of studies on only children, but what do they add up to when it comes to real experiences? There is a lot of conflicting information. I interviewed a zillion people, and it does complicate the extremes of the narrative a little bit; everyone is different and shaped by different things, but I just wanted to correct some of the misinformation without necessarily creating a new box to put only children in.”
Well said, and we got Sandler to wax positive about five benefits of being — and five benefits of having — one singular sensation.
Healthy self-esteem
Strong bonds
“We don’t take peer relationships for granted,” says Sandler. “Unlike siblings, who will be at the dinner table night after night, no matter how we behave, we know that we have to nurture and protect our relationships with others.” Living in a more mature household as the only child among adults can be a good thing. “We tend to absorb more mature lessons about relationships in terms of responsibility, nurturing and generosity.” Contrary to popular belief, Sandler says that only children are not lousy at friendships: “We are actually quite skilled!”
Cooperative and in control
While she admits that her 5-year-old daughter certainly isn’t above the occasional meltdown, the research she found on only children is pretty positive. “We have a greater locus of control and tend to keep it together in a more mature way. I think it’s related to expectations of mature behavior and taking clues from adults,” says Sandler. “It comes from the advantage of having a slightly more adult level of responsibility in our relationships with other people.”
They choose their families
Because only children often desire emotional connections beyond their parents, they often build their own supportive villages and add their own cast of characters. “As the only child in my group of friends, I have been the engine of much of this togetherness because I crave family-like interaction, a certain degree of engagement and lasting traditions,” says Sandler, who even went so far as to buy a house with a few friends.
Happiness outside of parenting
“I love being a mother and I love the time I spend with my kid, but I also feel that I need to do more than just work and be a parent,” says Sandler, who feels that having just one child makes this goal more attainable. “Where work and parenting and pleasure outside of those things can all overlap, great, but all of the resources that are undiluted amongst one child, meaning all of the time and energy and money that we have, which is finite … well, call me selfish, but I am happy to have something left over for my husband, my parents, my friends and for myself.”
You buy more time
“In the United States, even though we are working more hours than ever before, we are also parenting more hours than ever before,” Sandler says. “There was some recent data that 4 out of 10 families in the U.S. have mothers who are the breadwinners, and yet we are still parenting more than ever.” Do the math …
Content mommy, content child
“My mother taught me that to be a good mother, it helps to be a happy person. That is something that we have really lost sight of because we are often expected to sacrifice our happiness for the good of our children, and I don’t actually believe it’s for the good of our children,” says Sandler. “So to me, having a little bit more freedom, both in terms of the things that we can measure, like opportunities in the workforce, to the number [of] sippy cups we have to wash, the hours of housework that each child requires, or the number of sleepless nights that we can stomach, to say, ‘I’ve done that with one child; I love this, but I don’t need to do it anymore,’ is something that should be OK to embrace.”
