There's the cheery old platitude that says you should "keep your friends close and your enemies closer." But when you have a toxic friend, the lines between "friend" and "enemy" become so blurred the only solution is to cry, text your mom, eat some ice cream, and eventually, cut that shit off.
But it's not that easy.
In a toxic friendship, two parties ride together on an emotional Tilt-A-Whirl through Hell: the toxic friend might be fun, charming, the person you send your weird WebMD questions to late at night — but they're also a complete drain on your happiness. They make you feel enraged when they're around, and relieved when they're not.
Toxic people, like all toxic things, are not entirely terrible — that's why they tend to stay on our emotional shelves for so long. Take Windex, for example: It can clean your windows, household appliances, and work wonders as a makeshift antiseptic if you're stranded on a desert island. But if you decide to shotgun it like a freshman, you'll be booking a round trip ticket to the ER.
Similarly, toxic friends are OK, until they're not. Sometimes you've just been friends with a person so long you tacitly agree to exist next to each other.
If you've experienced the above, know that you are not alone. We asked women to share their worst toxic friendship stories — hopefully, you'll find them relatable.
Anonymous, 22
"I was best friends with this girl for 7 years, throughout high school and a little after. We were both on the spoiled side and got whatever we wanted from our parents whenever we asked, but she started taking it too far, stealing large amounts from her parents and forging forms.
Eventually, after going to university, all of her other friends just stopped talking to her. She was always a very mean person but she had a nice car and drove us around. But once my parents cut me off suddenly everything became about one upping me. Then when I wouldn't play her games and try to make me mad she would get angry and lash out at me.
Then after a couple days she would call me crying saying how she's empty inside and I would forgive her. But then she would just get meaner and I would stop talking to her. And repeat.
I stopped talking to her last year and she suddenly started stalking my Twitter and starting making fun of everything I say and do calling me a fat c*nt — because I stopped being friends with her.
She was just so toxic and I couldn't continue on her crazy roller coaster."
Anonymous, 27
"I had this one friend that was constantly leeching emotional support off me, which I gave very willingly, but when shit hit the fan, she was never really 'present' for me. Any time I shared, she brought it back to herself.
The worst happened when after her break up, I had her over my parents' house (we were teens) and was all set to give her a nice night out, but there was a pretty traumatic event that happened in said house and she looked me point blank in the face and said, 'We're still going out, right?'
I eventually dropped that shit like a bad habit."
Anonymous, 33
My friend (technically she still is) and I really bonded while I was going through a big breakup. She comforted me. Consoled me. Kept me company. A month after my breakup, her BF also broke up with her. So we were misery companions.
But then I met someone. This happened months later.
My relationship first began as super exciting and casual, but I was really into him and my friend did not approve of him at all. As my relationship evolved, I started telling her less and less info about it because she’d always tear it down.
She’d beg me to go out hunting for dudes with her, and how could I? I was already falling for someone else.
As we began to drift apart, she’d reach out constantly so we could catch up. And when we did, the first thing she’d ask was: so how’s it going with your man?
Me: Fine.
I hated telling her details because it seemed like she’d only be happy when I was complaining about a fight or some misunderstanding that I had with my new BF.
I realized this girl was only a good friend when I was sad. She could never be really happy for me.
Anonymous, 32
Anonymous, 30
"One of my closest friends is totally toxic to the point where I'm 50/50 scared of her/enjoy being her friend.
She's an angry person, extremely jealous and very critical, and I don't know if she changed over the course of our friendship or if I am just less tolerant of it. She sabotages herself by often being quite an unpleasant person and then wonders why people don't want to do things with her. Even though we're part of a broadly supportive friendship group, she hardly ever acknowledges anything good I do, let alone praises it. If you're her friend, she'll be jealous of you spending time with another friend without her, or having a friend she doesn't know or like.
I sometimes try to think of ways to move away from her but I know it will result in a blowup and I can't deal with the fallout. At this point she feels more like a family member I'm not keen on: someone I dislike, but love anyway because of some arbitrary bond. And when she's good she's very good, which makes it harder to pull away.
If she was my girlfriend we would have broken up years ago, but we treat friendships differently so here I am."
