If disciplining a 16-year-old while caring for a 9-year-old who might have autism spectrum disorder and their 7-year-old sister sounds like a lot, that's because it absolutely is for a mom on Reddit. The original poster (OP) shared that she's under fire from her ex for the way she put her foot down with their teen daughter, who she refers to as Annie. Yet it sounds like a classic case of a teen seeking attention and expressing her insecurities.
The OP explained that she had Annie with her ex, divorced, then married her current husband, with whom she has two younger daughters.
"Lily" is 9, and "Grace" is 7. "Annie and my husband put up with each other, but never really had a strong relationship," wrote the OP.
"Lily has always been really sensitive, both emotionally and sensory. She can't stand lots of sounds like rain, and will cry if it doesn't stop immediately. She doesn't like lots of touch sensations as well. The main one of these being sand. She has a teddy bear which she holds to comfort her during these times of sensory hardship."
She noted that she and her husband think Lily "has autism (not diagnosed yet, but she has lots of symptoms, especially the ones for high functioning girls)."
Lately, Annie and Lily have been butting heads, according to the OP.
"Annie thinks we're coddling Lily and she's too old to be carrying a teddy bear everywhere," noted the OP. "Whenever Lily has the bear, Annie calls her a baby and make baby noises which upset Lily. I've tried to stop her, I even took her phone away for a day when she did it last week but to no avail."
The OP recalled how she was at work recently, and her husband had a very important call with make-or-break clients.
He told the girls he was not to be interrupted.
"Grace was also feeling ill and had to take a nap as she had practically no sleep," wrote the OP. "Despite all this, Annie decided it would be funny to douse Lily's teddy bear in sand in order to try and 'wean her off.'
"It started to rain, and Lily started looking for her teddy bear to comfort her, only to pick it up and find that it was completely covered in sand. Lily really freaked out and had a full blown meltdown, waking up Grace, who also got upset and my husband had to come off his conference call to deal with all the fallout."
Both the OP and her husband agreed that what Annie did was cruel and she had to be punished.
So, the teen was grounded for a week, which prevented her from seeing some friends (hopefully in a safe, physically distanced way). The OP's husband also confiscated her devices for a few days.
The teen's response?
"Annie started crying and saying it was unfair, and I was siding with my 'new, non-b—ard' daughters, and 'new man' … over my b—ard daughter," according to the OP. "I disagreed and told her that I love her and her sisters the same, but she broke all the rules that we had given her, and could have potentially damaged my husband's career. Luckily for him, the clients were really understanding, but it could have easily gone ugly."
The OP explained that now her ex, Annie's dad, is "harassing" her, "saying that she's gone through so much already, and I'm a bad mother for putting Lily over Annie."
She then turned it over to other Am I the A–hole Redditors for their input.
Overwhelmingly, the community agreed that the OP was not at fault -- plus, Annie could use some extra support.
One Redditor wisely remarked, "[Annie] is deliberately being abusive to her younger sibling. It seems like she is acting out, she also sounds like she is jealous of her sisters (having both parents in the house, not having to go through the same hardships/parenting she had before you married your now husband). The punishment sounds reasonable, but I wouldn't just leave it at that. I think she would benefit from therapy to get to the bottom of her anger at her sisters and your husband."
Another person noted, "I think it's pretty clear that Annie needs therapy, as well as some tlc from her parents. She definitely deserved punishment for the teddy bear thing."
A third echoed that sentiment, writing, "With respect, your daughter seems like she may have unresolved issues surrounding her half siblings and her sense of security in this blended family. Therapy might be beneficial, if only to mediate an open dialogue about what she’s feeling and why she’s choosing to act in such a manner."
Another Redditor asserted that the OP needs to take responsibility for her teen's relationship with her stepdad.
"For a decade, you've allowed a man who didn't have a good relationship with your daughter in the house, you marry him, give him two bio kids to dote on (while she feels tolerated at best), and leave this resentment festering," wrote the commenter.
"Were you expecting the teenage years to magically cure it?" the person continued. "You and your husband are the adults. It was your responsibility to fix it. Annie's behavior isn't okay, but you and your husband need to take ownership of how she got here. Who do you think raised her?"
The bottom line: The OP noted a couple times in the thread that she'll be booking Annie "into therapy as we believe she has some issues she needs dealing with," but here's hoping that she and her husband are able to look at their part in the situation as well.
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