
After growing up under Bill Gothard’s oppressive religion, the Institute in Basic Life Principles, or IBLP, Jinger Duggar has been all about disentangling herself. And now, while promoting the release of her new book, People Pleaser, the former Counting On star is opening up about how Gothard’s teachings originally led her to believe that she could never be “enough” for her husband.
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Jinger's new book is out today.
Called People Pleaser: Breaking Free From the Burden of Imaginary Expectations, Jinger reflects on her past as a people pleaser – a quality that is rooted in her upbringing under the IBLP. Not only did following Gothard’s teachings mean that Jinger’s parents, Jim Bob and Michelle, required their children to enter courtships instead of date and their daughters to wear skirts and dresses instead of pants, but it also affected the way Jinger saw herself, even after she was grown up and starting a family of her own.
Jinger was scared that she wouldn't please her future husband.
“I will just say a lot of it started when I was in the teachings of Bill Gothard, because there was so much that was drilled into you through what he said about trying to please your husband and if you don’t, he’s going to leave you, because you don’t have a perfectly clean house or maybe you don’t make the dinner on time or you’re not joyfully available to him at all times,” she said in a new interview with People.
“It was all so focused on, ‘Do this, do this, do this, do this,’ otherwise, you’re not going to be enough for him,” she said. “Even having differences, because arguments don’t equal rejection and that’s something that I’ve learned over the years.”
That wasn't what her husband, Jeremy Vuolo, expected of her, though.
“When we were first married, he would say, ‘Where do you want to go to dinner?’ And I’d be like, ‘It’s okay, babe. Wherever you want to go is fine,’ because I could never tell him what I was actually thinking out of fear of, those teachings kept coming back to mind, ‘Just have it all together for him,'” she said. “He was [like], ‘No, this is ridiculous. I want to know who Jinger is.'”
Jeremy encouraged her to share her opinions, even if they didn't match his.
According to Jinger, Jeremy “wanted to know who I truly was,” and even having his encouragement, it took her a while to get to where she is today.
“It took me years to come to the place where I felt I was actually speaking my mind and able to open up. He was so good about that, and to this day, he just continues to want me to grow, challenge me to be myself and push me to be my best,” she said.
In the end, sharing her story is fighting her people-pleasing tendencies.
“I think anytime you open up, anytime you share, especially as a people pleaser, you know once it’s out there, it’s out there, and you can’t take it back,” she told People. “Some of the stories I share are very raw [and] are very real. People can take them as they will. In my mind, I was like, ‘Okay, I want to be as open and vulnerable as I can be, because that is part of the need that we see.'”
Good for Jinger for opening up. There’s no doubt it will help others who need to hear that they aren’t alone – maybe even members of her own family.