When April said her hallelujahs on Christian sex toys, my dirty mind recalled a phallic silicone apparatus that I used to have propped up on a shelf in my apartment back in the days when I was single, slutty, and probably considered sacrilegious by some. It collected dust, not orgasms, but I thought it was all wrong and all right at the same time.
That sex toy was Jackhammer Jesus.
It should be noted that I wasn't really slutty or single — I lived with a guy who was my boyfriend and we shared the same aesthetic thinking that a dildo was a great addition to the decor of our living room and went well with our salmon colored third-hand couch. He was Jewish, which has nothing to do with my mention of salmon, but everything to do with the fact that we didn't own Moses.
There are always going to be people who think anyone who is unmarried, living in a make-shift apartment with a guy who decorates with sex toys isn't exactly chaste and pure. So be it. Call me a whore. I've been called worse.
Dildos come in all shapes and sizes — just like slutty girls, Jewish guys, and apartments in Brooklyn. But the dildos from Divine Interventions were different. To me, they were art. Something I would never use between my legs, but instead a borderline offensive object that Rudy Giuliani would never approve of. (Let's recall the dung on the Virgin Mary painting by Chris Ofili at the Brooklyn Museum of Art's Sensation exhibit in 1999.)
These sex toys — Jackhammer Jesus, Moses, Judas, Diving Nun, Virgin Mary, and the Baby Jesus butt plug — might be just the kind of thing to tickle someone's perverted fancy. They also might be the the kind of thing that enrages people.
Where do you stand on the religious sex toy debate?
Images via Divine Interventions
