With May 21 just a scant handful of days away, it's the time to start to think of all the things we needed to do and haven't in our brief time on Earth, you know, just in case Harold Camping and his group Family Radio, a California-based sectarian Christian group, is correct and May 21, 2011 will be Judgment Day.
If it is, that kind of sucks. I mean there are so, so many things (and, uh, people) I never got to do. Like see Bridesmaids. And eat cauliflower cheesecake. And George Clooney.
One thing I CAN do, though, is make sure I have really given my best to sex. And that means trying a whole lot of sexual positions between now and 6 p.m. on May 21 when 98 percent of us go to hell. Here are 14 sex positions to try before the world ends and the 2 percent of us left are the people who don't have any fun.
- Missionary: Oh you knew I would start easy! Have him get on top and enter you that way. It's simple, but it does provide stimulation for the clitoral area as long as he moves against it. For many women, it's the fastest road to orgasm. To get even more, ask your man to slide his torso up a few inches so the motion is more of a rocking than a thrusting and he keeps his pubic bone connected to yours at all times.
- Woman on top: This provides him with a great view and plenty of opportunity to manually stimulate you and help you get your happy ending.
- Closed scissors: Start in missionary, but then squeeze your legs together so his thighs are straddling yours. It makes everything tighter for him and more stimulating for you.
- Sit and spin: Have him sit on the corner of the bed or on a chair and straddle him, then slowly, while he is still inside you, spin around. He can reach around and touch you and you will be comfortably seated on his lap with your legs on the floor.
- Doggie style: Turn around and lie down on the bed. He can enter from behind. This position gives him plenty of space to really move and he can go harder and faster. Just make sure he also uses his hand and reaches around!
- Balancing act: Raise just one leg so it rests on his torso while keeping the other flat on the bed. This makes for much easier thrusting and more room for you (or him) to reach down and manually stimulate you.
- The reverse cowgirl: Spin so you're facing his feet, your torso perpendicular to the bed (or you can lean back against his chest). He likes the view of your behind and you will like the new sensation.
- Wall supported: If he's strong enough, have him lift you up, back against the wall. There is something so hot and animalistic about standing up against a wall, and as an added bonus, he can thrust harder because you have more support.
- Standing tiger/crouching dragon: Thanks to Cosmo, we have a few other ideas. In this one, you kneel on the bed and bend over and he enters you from behind while standing. You can easily reach your clitoris with one hand, and his penis is angled to hit the front wall of your tightened vagina.
- Side-angled love: This is a favorite for pregnant women. Lie on your back (propped by pillows so as not to be flat on it) and have him lie beside you with his legs perpendicular to your torso. He can enter you this way and also reach your clitoris to stimulate you with his hand (or with a vibrator).
- The dirty dangle: Lie on the bed with your head hanging off while he climbs on top. The blood will rush to your head, so you can experience erotic inversion and send tingles to your upper body.
- The pinwheel: You may need to do some yoga to limber up for this one, but you open your legs and close them around his torso with the soles of your feet together under him, and he does the same to you. The result looks like a pinwheel but gives you both the space to explore the fronts of each other's genitals.
- Sex in a car: Have him push the passenger front seat all the way back, straddle him, and have fun!
- The head game: This may feel a little Samantha Jones from Sex and the City (and not in a good way), but once you try it, it's worth it. Lie flat on the ground face up. With your hands supporting your lower back, lift your legs and backside way, way up so they're as perpendicular to the ground as you can get them. Have your guy kneel in front of you and grab your ankles and bring his knees to your shoulders. It may not last long, but the fun is worth it.
The good news is that those of us left on Earth will have 98 percent of the population left to try these positions with after the rapture. After all, if there is one place we all know there is plenty of sex to be had, it's hell.
Bring it!
Are you trying new positions to get ready for the end of the world?
Image via lululemon athletica/Flickr
