I feel a certain way about wearing flip-flops. How would I describe that feeling … fear and loathing, maybe? Abhorrence? Don't me wrong — I love my bronze Havaianas. I don't judge anyone else who wears them out in public (unless we're at a formal event). And I completely understand how convenient and comfortable they are for a lot of you. Sort of. But I can't bring myself to wear them any place other than the beach or pool or shower of indefinite cleanliness. Why, you ask? Well, I could point you to this article entitled "Your Flip-Flops Are Grossing Me Out." Or I could show you in pictures.
They Make Me Walk Like a Duck
It's impossible to walk gracefully in flip-flops. I've tried and tried, and I just can't do it. They just throw off my gait and I feel like I'm flopping around, flat-footed, like a duck.
I Hate the Sound
Something about that flap-flap-flap-flap sound when I walk in them makes me think, "Here comes Jackass!" It's a particularly undignified sound.
They Make Your Feet Filty
Years of walking all over New York City have taught me that this is one dirty city. I feel uncomfortable wearing sandals as it is, exposing my feet to all that grime. Flip-flops are even worse because they actually flick stuff up onto your exposed feet. Yeech. Dirty feet are no big deal if you're frolicking in the park on the weekend — but on a Monday in the city, not so much.
They Give Me Separation Anxiety
I just hate that with every step I take, I LOSE PHYSICAL CONTACT WITH MY SHOES. In my lizard brain, it's like I'm in constant danger of going shoeless. No! Horrible. Either my shoes are on my feet or they're not. None of this loosey-goosey, part-time footwear business.
Mitt Romney
I just can't commit to footwear that's associated with a politician's lack of convictions. I don't have anyone in paticular in mind — oh hey, how did Mitt Romney's name become the title of this slide? That's odd …
FitFlops
Because flip flops gave birth to FitFlops, and I will never forgive this diabolical Rosemary's Baby of footwear.
The Word 'Flip-Flop' Is Undignified
"I'm putting on my flip-flops!" Ugh.
We Used to Call Them Thongs
When I was growing up, we called them thongs. Then the '90s happened, and underwear thongs arrived on the scene. So I had to be careful to avoid saying thongs when I meant footwear, least anyone think I was referring to panties. (Saying panties in public, ack! See next slide to understand why this is the worst.) I've never gotten used to it. To this day, I have to pause for just a moment before I say … "flip-flops."
I Am Way Too Serious & Fancy for Flip-Flops
Another way to put this is: I am way too uptight for flip-flops. I just cannot. Because.
