Infertility isn't as uncommon as some people may think. According to the World Health Organization, one out of every six people of reproductive age experiences infertility. But it can still feel very lonely for those dealing with it. We can support couples trying to conceive in a variety of ways, from lending a listening ear to making sure we're approaching things with the upmost sensitivity. It's important all year to check in on our friends, but a good reminder comes every June during World Infertility Awareness Month.
Because infertility is such a personal journey, it can feel difficult to know how to address the topic with our loved ones. If we can't necessarily relate to their struggle, we might be worried about saying the wrong thing or accidentally making them feel worse. But it's not too difficult to just be there for them, and here are 16 ways to do that.
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Careful With Questions
Because not everybody chooses to share their infertility journey, we should all err on the side of caution when discussing pregnancy with our friends. As excited as we may be for a couple, refrain from asking them when they're going to have kids or other similarly invasive questions. They may already be trying and dealing with infertility struggles, and asking them these types of questions can be triggering.
Validate Their Feelings
It's natural to want to try to solve a friend's problems, but infertility isn't something we can magically fix for our loved ones. Instead of trying to offer solutions, simply validate however they may feel. As TikToker @cattttttok, who shares her fertility journey online, shares in one video, "I just needed the acknowledgment that what I'm going through is hard and that they understand that it's difficult."
Follow Their Lead
In the same TikTok video, @cattttttok also suggests asking the couple how they would best feel supported, because everyone needs different things. Some people want to share their feelings and talk about it, and others may need space to process. Instead of forcing a conversation, let the couple take the lead.
If they bring it up a lot, it's probably safe to say they do want an outlet to speak about the topic. If they shut down when we ask a question, change the subject. Meet them where they are in their emotional journey.
Be Mindful of Complaining
Motherhood is tough, and we need outlets to vent about our kiddos. Our friends struggling with infertility, however, likely aren't the best outlets for that conversation. Someone else with kids would probably totally lend an ear so we don't have to rub anything in our friends' faces if they're dealing with infertility. Our complaints likely seem minuscule to them when they so badly just want to have a child.
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Don't Tell Them To Relax
Just like when someone says to "calm down" and it actually has the opposite effect, it's equally unhelpful to tell someone to just "relax" when it comes to trying to conceive. TikToker @teatimewithtawa posted a video to say how annoying that line of thinking is. "That's not how infertility works," she says.
If anything, blaming a couple's stress level for their infertility is just going to make them more stressed.
No Unsolicited Advice
Unless a friend specifically asks for infertility advice, it's best to keep our mouths shut. They don't need to know what worked for us or a friend or a new TikTok "hack" to get pregnant. As one Creating a Family blog post read:
“It’s not that the infertile are arrogant jerks who know it all; it’s just that if they have been trying to conceive for more than a year, they probably know light years more about conception than you could even imagine. The ability to get pregnant does not make you an expert on conception; it simply makes you lucky.”
Circle back to the advice on just validating their feelings and don't offer any tips or tricks.
Don't Question Their Decisions
When we know how much our friends want to have a baby, we might wonder about the exact steps they're taking to achieve that. Some people try for IVF right away, others may want to try other options first, and others may or may not want to explore adoption. But whatever path our friends choose and whatever pace they decide to go, that's up to them. We can support their journeys, but we shouldn't try to guide them.
Break Pregnancy News Gently
Former Bachelor in Paradise star Sarah Herron experienced infertility, and she shared a lot of her journey online. In an Instagram video she advised how people should announce pregnancy news to their friends who are struggling to conceive. She recommended that expectant moms share the news via text to allow the friend to process in their own time.
"Being face-to-face puts pressure on people to emote a certain way and we don't want to cry when you're sharing your big news," she said.
Don't Take Anything Personally
Influencer and blogger Emma Golden Miller said that when she was experiencing infertility she "muted every single pregnant person" on her social media pages. "I just couldn’t deal. For so many, this journey can be h— on Earth," she wrote in her Substack newsletter.
If a friend needs to hide pregnancy content for a while, it doesn't mean they don't love their pregnant friends. They just need to create a safe space for themselves on social media, and that's OK.
Spend Quality Time
It might help take our friends' minds off their infertility struggles if we plan some special outings with them. It could be a whole trip or even something as simple as a lunch or going to see a movie – just a little something to remind them that they're loved. And for these quality time sessions, we should probably leave our own kids with a sitter so we can be 100% focused on our friends.
Don't Bring Religion Into Things
Not everybody is religious, so hearing something like "God has a plan" isn't helpful. But even for people who are religious, it's not always comforting to hear that their infertility is supposedly God's plan or that God's timing just wasn't right and that's why they had a miscarriage. It can just seem insensitive, and it's best to leave religion out of the conversation.
Honor Important Days
It's important that we acknowledge our friends on Mother's Day who have lost pregnancies. TikToker @zerkleoflife posted a video explaining that after experiencing seven miscarriages, she wanted to hear people still tell her Happy Mother's Day and acknowledge her and tell her that she was loved.
Don't Compare Journeys
Everyone has a different path when it comes to fertility, and it's not helpful if we try to soothe a friend by comparing her to someone else. Just because a certain doctor or a certain ovulation app or something may have worked for one of our other friends, that doesn't mean it will apply to her. Just because we know someone who miscarried several times and then got pregnant doesn't mean that will happen for her. It's not helpful to bring up other stories.
Keep Checking In
TikToker @mybeautifulblunder says in a video that when she was on her IVF journey, it meant a lot to her when friends would continually check in — even multiple times a week. "Ask them how they’re feeling, ask them if there's anything you can do to help," she says. "It made me feel like they were really thinking about me."
Of course, if it seems the friend doesn't want to be asked questions too often, we can pull back. It doesn't hurt to send a text just telling them we love them and are here for them.
Keep Including Them
It can feel rude to invite friends who are trying to conceive to life events such as baby showers or gender reveals, but not inviting them may make them feel worse. "We do still want to be included," TikToker @thepondss shares in a video. "I will say no if I don't feel like I can handle attending it."
And if our friends do say no, we need to respect that and not get upset.
Do Research
If we put a little effort in to understand what our friends are going through, then it cuts down on insensitive or unnecessary questions and makes them feel like we truly care. Whether they're just newly discovering infertility issues or they've progressed to something like IVF or adoption, we should do a little research on what they might be dealing with. It'll go a long way to understanding their situation.
A useful resource to start with is RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association, which has a friends and family education section on its website.
