When it comes to getting down and dirty between the sheets — there's something I realized a long long time ago: It's never going to look like a professional video. That's right, I'm talking about porn. No matter how gorgeous you are, no matter how gorgeous your PARTNER is (hey, we can all hope right?) good 'ol fashion romping session is never a vision of sheer perfection.
And you know what? THAT'S OK. I mean come on, no one's offering you a casual million dollar deal a la Farrah Abraham to shave your legs, put on matching panties, and create that perfect "O" face worthy of a national ad campaign.
Thus I present you with 8 differences between a porno and your sex life. Starting with how your man looks.
What would your perfect sex session include?
Image via Blue Images/ Corbis
In the Movies: Love Handles Are Non-Existant
In Real Life …
I'm sorry, but I don't know any woman who can lay down on a bed and have no sort of little ridge of somethin' going on. I mean hello, with all that contorting and bending and awkward lifting of your right leg …
In the Movies: Moans Sound Like Music
In Real Life …
Only in a porno do women screaming and squealing sound like perfectly harmonious love songs. I'm pretty sure my upstairs neighbor's love making sounds like a wildebeest.
In the Movies: The Big O. Every. Single. Time.
In Real Life …
No. It doesn't happen. Because in real life, you realize foreplay went too long and you have 15 minutes to get the 25 blocks south to your office. Or there's that whole controversy when your man's mom calls to ask him what he thinks his brother would like for Christmas … three months early.
In the Movies: He Looks Like a Greek God
In Real Life …
Because let's be honest, here. Not every single guy you get into bed with is going to rival Brad Pitt for People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive.
In the Movies: It Goes For Hours
In Real Life …
While you might wish you could focus on lovemaking for three solid hours, there's grocery shopping to do. Besides, in the real world it's more often than not that your man's done in under ten minutes.
Yeah — harsh reality check, I know.
In the Movies: Bra & Underwear Match
In Real Life …
Oh PLEASE. The last time I wore a matching bra and underwear was an accident after choosing the both of them in dim lighting on a hectic work morning. Would I like to be a sexy vixen taunting pretty fashions bedside? Of course. But A. It's coming off anyway and B. I'd rather spend my money on Chinese takeout.
In the Movies: The Bedroom Is a Pet-Free Zone
In Real Life …
Even if the door's closed, that dog somehow always manages to find its way inside. Can you blame him for wanting in on the action?
In the Movies: Everything's Perfectly Groomed
In Real Life …
… there's just no way. There's hair somewhere you don't know about. And you know the worst part? He probably sees it, and just hasn't said anything.
