"Married sex is boring." We've all heard that tired cliche, haven't we? It's not the same once kids get into the picture. The attraction fades and becomes tedious. Blah, blah. You know what's really drab? That attitude.
Because if you think married sex is "boring," then you are doing it all wrong. Married sex is anything but stale. You know that old saying "you can't step in the same stream twice"? In no other part of life is that more true than in marriage.
It's constantly evolving, ever fluid, and after 11 years of marriage and 14 years together, I can say quite honestly that we have never had the same encounter twice. Not once. Every time we find some new move, some new mood, some new angle, some new words, to change it up. It's not always hot and heavy — sometimes it's quick and dirty, in fact — but it's always, always different.
And that is married sex in a nutshell. You are different people every time you come together. How "boring" is that?
Ever Evolving
It was roughly around the birth of our first child that I had the shocking realization that our sex life was never going to be the same. My husband and I had been together six years at that point and had always enjoyed an intense attraction to one another as well as frequent between-the-sheets adventures.
But then it stopped.
After my body had been through labor, the idea of sex slightly terrified me. It seems like an act full of evil consequences and possibly rife with pain and tearing. The first two times we were together post-baby number one were awful and painful and unsatisfying all around.
We kept at it and slowly things changed. It improved. And then it improved some more. And then it REALLY improved. Soon we were back to our old ways and then boom. I was pregnant again.
But this time it was different. My body had been through all those changes. Recently. It was ready for the hormonal ebbs and flows and I was still in the post-baby randy phase since my first baby was only 9 months old. That time pregnancy — and post-pregnancy — were different, indeed. Can we say hottest sex ever?
And then there was baby number three. She came along later in life and I, for whatever reason, could have probably gone happily without sex during my entire pregnancy. My poor husband. I endured for his sake. But hot? It was not. Post-pregnancy? That's been a whole new thing.
Three pregnancies. Three different experiences. Never the same stream.
At this point my husband and I have had every manner of sex — quickies, long, hot all-nighters, weeks where it's every day, and weeks where it's only once.
There are no rules when it comes to sex. Each time is new. Each experience brings something different to the table.
Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall
Married sex is not unlike a year, constantly evolving and changing with the seasons. You have times where it's hot and heavy and you can't get enough and other times where you feel cold and barren and the idea of being touched makes you shiver.
We've had three children together and lived through countless changes and pains from the death of beloved family members to moving hundreds of miles from home. We have experienced wanting to scream at each other in anger and constantly wanting to scream for other reasons.
There is no right way to have married sex. It, like us, keeps on maturing.
The Beauty of Commitment
A friend once told me that her grandmother, an Italian immigrant who worked her fingers to the bone and had seven children all in her home, pulled her aside at her wedding and gave her the following advice: "He'll want to do awful things to you. Your job now is to let him."
Every time I think about that story, it makes me tear up. Because she was married 50 years and never realized what sex could be in a loving, honest relationship.
Sometimes sex DOES feel like an obligation. But those times are few and far between and are more than made up for by the times where it's mind-blowing and you can't think (or sit) straight for days afterward. That happens, too.
The difference between married sex and the kind of sex you might have in a one-night stand or with a new boyfriend — both also hot and juicy experiences we should all have — is in the commitment. It's the commitment that makes it all the more delicious.
When he looks at you and you look at him and everything passes back and forth. You have shared so much — fights, losses, births, and deaths. What's hotter than that?
Advice to Newlyweds
When and if I ever have the privilege of attending my granddaughter's wedding, I'd never tell her that sex is an obligation. I'd never tell her married sex gets boring, either. Because sex is the glue that keeps marriage together. Otherwise, you would just be roommates.
What I'd tell her is this: Married sex is like anything else. It changes and morphs. If you are ever bored and thinking of another man, wait a couple weeks.
Look at your husband and the things he does, the way he makes dinner or braids your daughter's hair. See him with new eyes.
We assume we know everything there is to know about our spouses, but how could that be true? There are infinite secrets to unlock and surprises still ahead. No matter how long you have been married.
So let the sex be dull on occasion. Let it ebb and flow. Just make sure that over the course of your marriage, there are five delicious orgasms for every lackluster encounter.
That way, the best is always yet to come.
Do you think married sex is "boring"?
Image via © iStock.com/DimaBerkut
