It's safe to say that I've learned everything I know about the art of flirting from watching endless romantic comedies. Hey, I'm not proud, but there are some pretty good tips in there! Of course, the one thing romantic comedies lack is size diversity, so we miss out on seeing how women of ALL sizes have their own ways of flirting.
So I asked 19 women about how they flirt using their body language, and the responses were intriguing, honest, and most of all, fun.
For some, facing the person they're into is very important.
Nicola Dall’Asen, 23 years old, size 14, cisgender, straight
"If we're sitting, I cross my legs in their direction and lean as far forward as possible [when I'm connecting with someone]. I also toss my hair over my shoulders a LOT, and that tends to do the trick. But my favorite is always either playful punches or subtle hand and arm touches — I feel like that's the number one way to make your attraction obvious to straight men (because let's be real, they're not quick to catch on sometimes)."
Anonymous, 26 years old, size 2-4, cisgender, straight
"I read on a body language and dating site that one of the easiest ways to communicate interest is to make sure that you are directly facing the person you're into…I've tried that before and it worked.
This may seem simple but I've tried to smile more AND smize more — I have natural resting bitch face, which doesn't always communicate what I want it to."
Anonymous, 24 years old, size 8, cisgender, straight
"Well, if I'm talking to a cute guy, I’ll lean in close to him, hold eye contact, touch his arm occasionally, and tousle my hair to the side to expose a piece of my neck and/or shoulder. I also bite and lick my lips which draws his eyes as a signal that I want him to kiss me. If I walk away, I sashay away with a switch in my hips. Oh and when I’m speaking, my voice gets deeper."
Shay Neary, 30 years old, size 26-28, transgender, straight
"In a bar, I normally turn my body towards the person, so my foot is pointing them on the stool. Then I arch my weight on one leg and cross my other leg over it [and] then bend my back towards the bar and lean one arm back. Limited eye contact, a sip of my drink, and a quickly turned smile usually does the trick."
For others, their posture is their secret weapon.
Mya Wilkes, 25 years old, size 16, cisgender, bisexual
"Flirting body language comes down to good posture and eye contact. The good posture is kind of a defense mechanism, so people can see tall, biracial, plus-sized me in all my glory. I think I'm beautiful, but I'm definitely not the tradtional (sic) standard of beauty… And, with women and men, I tend to smile a lot during conversation to show I'm engaged and interested. Never fully dressed without a smile, right?"
Anonymous, 30 years old, size 12, cisgender, straight
"I don’t have a move like the 'Legally Blonde' bend and snap… I stand a little straighter, but I mostly rely on my sense of humor and tease the guy I like."
Anonymous, 24 years old, size 2, cisgender, straight
"Because I'm short, it's easy to ‘pretend’ to not be able to reach things and ask for help. The whole 'looking down and then looking back up at someone' works well for my height also. And I guess any cute gestures or ways of walking also work well with my height."
Whether it's "smizing" or "sticky eyes," it's all in the eyes for some.
Brandi H., 43 years old, size 14, cisgender, lesbian
"I'm a lesbian, and horrible at flirting, but I use my eyes. My mom told me when I was about 10, 'if you learn to talk with those big green eyes, you'll get anything you want' and she was right! Eye contact and showing emotion with your eyes has gotten me a long way in life!"
Jamie O., 38 years old, size 18, female, “My love has no sexual orientation”
"I was taught the art of flirting by the best of the [best]. [Marilyn] Monroe, [Rita] Hayworth, [and Dorothy] Dandridge.. the classic flirt. I like to show my desires with my eyes, a coy side smile, the caress of my chest. I love the old art of playing hard to get. It makes the outcome much more pleasurable."
Anonymous, 30s, size 4, cisgender, straight
"My body language technique is one I learned in a psych class when I was in college — it's called 'sticky eye.' It's based on the idea that the more eye contact you make with someone, the more they like you at the end of the interaction…The perfect amount of eye contact to use while flirting is the amount of time it takes to lock eyes, say 'sticky eye' three times IN YOUR HEAD (not out loud), and then look away. This way, you don't get stuck staring (me), but you also don't get so distracted by handsomeness that you can't make any eye contact at all (also me)."
Brittany F., 26 years old, size 2, cisgender, straight
"I wish I could meet Tyra Banks, because my smize is what the kids say [is] 'on fleek' (is that even what the kids say anymore?). Back in my single days I would scan the bar, find the guy I wanted to strike up a convo with, and let my eyes take it from there."
Leslie Xia, 24 years old, men’s size 30 x 32, gender neutral, queer
"I think whats interesting [about] dating for [gender nonconforming]/queer folks is the fact that we're going up against what is traditionally imposed on our bodies for how we should project ourselves when we flirt… It gets complicated… for me. [I] present as femme but have [masculine] inclinations [and I] am constantly wary of my positioning in that way [and I am] wary of reproducing toxic masculine behaviors.
[I definitely] crack more jokes and [I am] very very aware of how [hold] their attention…I've noticed [lots] of nodding when I'm listening [as] a gesture of affirmation and to show my presence in the conversation. [Also,] I'm a dancer so [I love] any situation where I can show off… Also noticed I do this thing where I sometimes try to deepen my voice a [little] and make it raspy to try to be sexy."
Meanwhile, others simply use what their mother gave them.
S.T., 25 years old, size 10-12, cisgender, bisexual
"I’m not an inherently flirtatous (sic) person… In key condidtions (sic), however, I can loosen up enough to signal my interest… I have a nice smile [courtesy] of my mom so I will pair that with deep red lipsticks to highlight it… At this point I might make eye contact with the person I’m interested in — only a few times, but in a deliberate way. The average interested man, and some women, will usually approach at this point."
Melissa Rainwater, 36 years old, size 14-16, cisgender, pansexual
"With men I just smile while also having boobs and they do all the work… With women, this is where it gets tricky, [because] I have zero clue how this works. Like I've had two girlfriends and slept with several women, but I don't know how or why and I really don't know how to flirt at all… I use my words, but not well, and I am so incredibly awkward my body language is just 'nervously fidget until she either kisses me or leaves.' I am really clueless."
G. Levy, 24 years old, size 6, cisgender, straight
"I’m a slimmer woman and I think there’s a problematic expectation in society that slimmer girls are the desirable ones or the flirtatious bombshells. To be honest I feel shy in terms of body language and flirtation unless I’m in a very specific setting like a bar, otherwise I tend to use fashion as a way to enhance that sexy feeling by wearing a low cut top to a party or bar. I also love shorter dresses which tend to fit me really well as a shorter girl. Otherwise in terms of flirting the body parts I use the most are my two favorite assets: my eyes and my smile."
Jessica, 27 years old, size 18-20, cisgender, bisexual
"I consider myself the worst person at flirting. While flirting in person I just smile a lot and will do the classic body language flirting that TV has taught me. I'll touch the person's arm, wear a push-up bra and smile a lot… online it gets slightly better. I consider myself funny so I always throw a meme or [gif] here an[d] there to keep the conversation funny and 'unique.'"
Playing with their hair, whether nervous or flirting, is actually pretty helpful.
Anonymous, 25 years old, size 12, cisgender, straight
"Even though I have a large chest and butt, I don’t really work those assets in terms of flirting. I’m more of a smile and eyes type flirter. I like to shoot cute guys a smile, and maybe make eye contact a little bit longer than with someone I’m not attracted to. Then, if things move forward or if we start dating then I’ll show my larger assets off with tight clothing."
"When I’m nervous (flirting makes me nervous) I play with my hair. I have a whole bunch of brown curly hair that is usually very messy, and I tend to play with I️t or push [it] back when I’m talking to people."
Audrey J., 42 years old, size 16, cisgender, straight
"[I] smile, tell jokes, play with my hair, touch the guy's shoulder or forearm."
Louren Reed, 40 years old, size 10, genderfluid, queer
"When flirting with women, I notice I tend to touch my chin and hair more.
When I flirt with men I find I tend to do different things that instead might subtly bring attention to my legs or my ass… [while] with women I tend to try to emphasize my more gender neutral or butch qualities."
In terms of flirting with non-binary people? All bets are off. I think I tend to flirt more subtly when people have a gender neutral or androgynous appearance [and] I think I smile more."
What these responses show is that there is no "right" or "wrong" way to flirt regardless of your age, identity, or size.
Most importantly, use what makes YOU special when you're flirting.
Interviews have been edited and condensed for clarity.
