We're not using "passion" as a euphemism for "sex" here. Well, not exclusively. For anyone who's been married or had a long-term partner for any real length of time, we all know that it's impossible to keep all of the early passion totally alive — and frankly, that's a good thing. As we stay together, learn each other deeply, and grow together, we can develop something more important, more profound, and more real than the early excitement of a young fling. And when we add kids to the mix, that compounds everything. Kids mean our time to ourselves just got sliced to zero, our priorities just got completely switched around, and our spending habits change completely. They also mean that we see our partners so much less frequently in a kid-free setting — sometimes basically never see them this way.
So maintaining a real relationship with our partners — seeing them as interesting adults we desire and care for, outside of their context with our children — can feel impossible. We can easily lose sight of how wonderful they are and what made us fall in love with them. And yes, when conversational topics at the breakfast table largely revolve around dirty diapers, we can easily misplace our desire for our long-term partners in bed, too. But there are ways to keep the passion going — or at least regularly reignite it — and to keep seeing our partners as people we're curious about, interested in, and desirous of. We asked moms from around the country to share their own stories about how they've managed to make this happen in their own marriages. And just because we love hearing moms tell us honest, difficult things in their own words, we love these stories, too: 17 Celebrity Moms Share Their Postpartum Depression Battles, which is a subject people are still far too silent on, and 16 Moms Reveal the Most Mortifying Thing That Happened When They Were Pregnant, which everyone who's been pregnant here knows are true facts.
Let the Jokes Get Weird
"Our kid was pretty sick for a while, and one of our coping mechanisms was our newfound, darker sense of humor. We joke about our relationship and all we’ve been through in a totally new way. I really appreciate that, and I think allowing for some humor brings us closer together." — Mei M., Rumson, New Jersey
Staying in Touch About Our Sex Life
"We're not into creating a schedule. We don't make sure we have sex on this day or that particular day — although I hear that does work for some couples — but just having honest-to-God, real talks about our expectations and needs, so we can make sure we're both being honest about what we want, what we're missing, and where we are emotionally has been so amazing. When I was nursing, some days I felt so totally touched-out and absolutely could not consider having sex, and it was good for us to talk about it. He'd hear me about where I was, and say, sometimes, that it was hard because he missed that intimacy, and it was just good to be open about things — to acknowledge that neither of us was trying to be hurtful, but we just needed to be honest with each other." — Rochelle S., Colorado Springs, Colorado
Being 'Selfish' Can Be Awesome for Us & Our Relationship
"In a lot of ways, having kids made me more selfish — and it's frankly been pretty great. I've been more concentrated on making sure I'm taken care of my husband and myself, carving out time for date nights, time for him to be alone, and time for me to be alone. Even if it's hard to make it happen — it's worth the effort." — Taylor Y., Naperville, Illinois
Babysitters Are the Best
"We’ve also been lucky that we’ve been able to hire reliable nannies and babysitters once a week to be able to go out — it doesn’t have to be late evenings, we find late afternoon dates are great, but we’ve been really consistent about that, which has really helped maintain the romance and ‘outside of parents’ relationship." — Deepa N., Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Chore Wheels Can Make Relationships Easier
"I still do a lot more housework than my husband, but he has his daily chores as well, which we literally laid out on a spreadsheet so it was very clear who does what. I've had to learn how to let him fail and see the consequences if he doesn't do that work (while I'm fuming the whole time and trying not to remind him) and it was really teaching a lesson that 'stuff you do affects the family as a whole, not just you.' It's been a work in progress." — Jordyn T., Kansas City, Missouri
A Scheduled Night Off Is Excellent
"I worked out a system where once a week, each of us get a night off (no cooking, taking care of kids, or putting them down) and the other takes care of everything. It has helped immensely." –Jordan T., Bethesda, Maryland
Take Care to Make Partner-Only Time Happen
"I think the most important thing is having quality time partner-only, no kids. These are the times I remember why I love him so very much. It is easy to lose sight of that when I’m the primary caretaker and every child needs something." — Sherri L., Nashville, Tennessee
Just Making a Little Quiet Time With Each Other
"We don’t really need the nights out, but we make a point to take each night after work to talk about our days and we actually waste a lot of time sitting together and watching TV. When we dated in college, we would sit and he’d watch sports while I studied or something … that’s just always been our time. So I guess it’s not wasted time." –Sophie R., Tampa, Florida
Learning What Matters to the Other Person in Bed
"Having kids sparks more intentionality. Talking about what actually works for ourselves and each other lets us make sure that we're concentrating on … the biggest bang for our buck, if you will. For instance, I felt like lingerie was important … but now that we've talked about it, he doesn't give a hoot about lingerie. He would rather that I just not wear underwear. Easier for me!" — Sarah A., Brandon, Mississippi
No Talking About the Jobs or the Kids Date Nights
"Living room date nights are our favorite. This just means opening a bottle of wine and ordering some take-out. But the real magic is that neither of us are allowed to talk about the kids or work. This helps keep us kind of on the same trajectory, because when the kids take over, you can end up growing in different directions — and this keeps you together. We've done better at making this time for each other some times than others, and we can tell how big the difference is when we're doing it regularly." –Mackenzie R., Columbus, Nebraska
Keep a Social Life Outside of the Kids (& Each Other)
"Keeping a social life outside of the kids has been really important for us. And it's even better when we have our own things we're into. We make sure we both have hobbies and friends, which helps us not be completely drawn down entirely into the world of small people. It keeps us interesting and interested in what the other is up to and has to say." — Brittany C., Bullhead City, Arizona
Having the Evening to Yourselves Can Be a Priority
"The biggest thing for us was as soon as possible — when our first was no longer newborn — we started putting him to bed at 7 p.m. every night, and we still do that. We will always have his bedtime be as early as humanly possible. And then once he goes to bed, we clean everything up — his toys go in a closet — so after that, we have a totally kid-free, grown-up space. So even if we don't have a date night every week (which… we probably should, but we definitely don't) we do have time together to be ourselves basically every evening, and we unwind together with a drink or whatever." — Christine J., Tallahassee, Florida
Sleeping in Our Own Beds Has Been Key
"For the first six to eight weeks, our son was in a bassinet in our room, and for a couple more weeks, I slept in his nursery because he was so little and I was nursing him out of night, but once he was out of the newborn phase, he was in his own room. That was a conscious decision was made from before he was born, and I think it's helped keep our relationship healthy. I know some parents believe in co-sleeping, and I'm not judging them, but personally, I believe that sleeping with just your partner is better for your sleep as well as your relationship." — Jessica P., Henderson, Nevada
Snap Up Baby-Free Nights
"When we have family visiting, any time they offer to watch the kid, we take them up on it immediately and we run out of the house and go do something together, even just get an ice cream or a cup of coffee. Whenever we can, we don't feel guilt about leaving him. If there's a babysitter opportunity, we take it. I know people who feel really guilty about leaving their kid, but … I think it's important to grab any opportunity you have to do things just the two of you." — Mariah L., Glendale, Arizona
Try Lunch Out if Date Night Doesn't Work
"Sometimes we get to get lunch together, which is a really nice treat. My son goes to day care, which means that if I happen to have free time in my work day and so does my husband, we can just kind of meet up spontaneously, which feels like such a treat since spontaneity has been pretty lacking for us since our kid was born, and it feels so nice and safe doing it while our kid is in really good hands at day care. We've had plans to get a regular babysitter for date nights, but that hasn't happened yet, so this is a good moment in-between." — Breanna H., Summerville, South Carolina
One Standing Early Date Night Can Rule
"My husband and I love the idea of date night, but we're both pretty inherently lazy and also neither of us were really the type to get dressed up for a night out before we had a kid, so we're not exactly going to transform into those people now. Plus, we both start to really crash pretty hard early these days. So what we have found that we love is our happy hour oyster dates. Once a week, usually earlier in the week, we meet up at a bar down the street after work for a happy hour oyster special. We share the oysters — which are on special for $1 each — and a glass of happy-hour priced wine each. We have a great date and really catch up with each other for less money than a standard date night, and we enjoy it just as much." — Bella R., Brooklyn, New York
Leaving Notes for Each Other Can Be Great
"We show affection for each other in little, tiny moments, because that's really all the time we have anymore. But I love how he leaves me notes on my bathroom mirror sometimes, and I often slip a note into his coat pocket. It only takes a moment (neither of us are exactly poets, we usually just say "I love you!") but it means a lot." — Heather T., Dayton, Ohio
Sexting Isn't Just for Single People
"OK, maybe it felt kind of silly at first, but my husband and I started sending each other sexy texts again, and it really brought us back into our own. Sometimes I'll send him a daring picture and tell him I'm looking forward to him coming home … and it's true in that moment, and he knows it, even if by the time he comes home, I'm doing something really, deeply unsexy … like usually, wiping our baby's butt." — Cherise S., Jersey City, New Jersey
Get Competitive (In a Good Way)
"I have to travel for work a lot, and while I video chat home often to see my husband and the boys, our video chats are pretty much dominated by the kids. But my husband and I always have a game of Scrabble going on our phones. So even if we're both scrambling through the day and I only have time to play while I pee — don't judge me! — it's a fun thing we get to engage in together." — Whitney H., Covington, Georgia
Keep the Home Focused on Adults
"It's really easy to let the house be taken over with, like, hot-pink plastic toys everywhere, and sometimes that happens. But when it does, then it feels like Branwen's house, not our house. To keep it ours, we have specific places where all her things go, and we also try to pare down on her toys as she outgrows them so it doesn't turn into a ridiculous pile. When we're in a space that's decluttered of all her things, it's easier to see each other as people, not parents when she's down for a nap or asleep for the evening and we're in our kid-stuff-free home again." — Tina L., Vicksburg, Michigan
