Some of us can't go without our daily phone call to our parents — it's nice to check in! But there are others who need less one-on-one time with Mom and Dad and can go weeks without speaking. But was one partner out of line for thinking that it's weird that his or her wife-to-be speaks to her mom on the phone every day? The skeptic wrote into the Dear Prudence advice column to see who was in the wrong, and the internet seemed to be split.
The unidentified partner explained that their future wife became incredibly close with her mom after "a family tragedy" a few years ago.
Therefore, the two speak with each other every day, "often for an hour or more," the person wrote in the letter.
The Letter Writer (LW), on the other hand, only speaks with their mom once a month.
The writer swears there is "no big estrangement, just a lack of closeness between us, and I try to limit my calls to once a month to ensure my mother doesn't get too ensnared in my daily life."
The LW also shared that it "weirds me out" that the partner speaks to her mom so frequently.
It bothers her, even though they pretty much speak about nothing too serious "the weather, the pandemic, goings-on in my partner's hometown — or at least that's what they talk about around me," LW wrote.
The problem is, this daily phone call seems to feel like proof that she is a "child who isn’t self-sufficient without their mother."
Although the LW admits that the calls don't disrupt their daily life at all and the partner doesn't prioritize the calls over their schedule as a couple, their frequency is still upsetting.
"But it still creeps me out," the LW wrote. "Am I being unreasonable here? Is it even worth bringing up? This concern feels so petty, but it’s been lingering."
Some people in the comments wrote that there's nothing wrong with calling your mom daily.
"Normal people don't think a daily call is weird; the LW is weird because they don't have a close relationship with their parents WHICH IS FINE but they extrapolate that to their partner being 'childish' because they like chatting with their mother," one commenter wrote. "They are just wrong and bad for thinking this is a problem that is about their partner."
"I chat with my mom and my sister about absolute inane nonsense every day," a second commenter chimed in. "It would be a huge red flag for me if my spouse decided he'd rather I limit my communication with them. Keeping your family close isn't any weirder than treating your mom like a distant acquaintance."
"I can't imagine getting upset if [husband] talked to a sibling or close loved one on a daily basis if indeed it did not interfere with our common schedule," a third person wrote. "Why would it? Move on, LW."
Other people think that it depends and could potentially be creepy.
"I think it depends on the circumstances," one person commented. "I call my father daily. He is in his late 80s and lives alone since my mother died. I did a weekly call when she was living. When we were all working and busier, the calls were less frequent than that."
"Let's use the layman's guide to addiction as the model: if the amount of times you call your parents and/or the type of conversations you have are negatively impacting the rest of your life, it's too much," a second person advised.
"In this case I think there can just be different opinions or ways of life," the person added. "If you think your partner is too dependent on their mother, I think you basically decide if it's a big enough deal to break up over. It's okay if it is and you don't have to feel bad or silly about it. But otherwise it's something to suck up unless / until it infringes on your lives significantly."
Only one person thought it was straight-up wrong to call your mother that often.
"See, it would be a huge red flag for me if a partner spoke to their family for an hour a day," the commenter admitted. "It would make me think — from experience — that their parents were controlling, interfering and expected them to drop everything the second they snapped their fingers."
Columnist Danny M. Lavery didn't think there was anything wrong with calling parents on the regular.
If it really bothers the LW, however, Lavery advised them to bring it up — albeit maybe by not telling the partner "I feel like I'm marrying a child."
"That's unduly harsh and not, I think, a fair representation of your partner," he added.
The columnist also reminded the LW that it doesn't seem like their partner is turning to her mother instead of them for input on important decisions or sharing personal information with her.
"They're simply close, and made even closer by virtue of sharing a relatively recent, painful loss," he wrote.
That might be hard for the LW to understand given that they keeps their parents at a distance, "but it’s important to keep a clear distance between 'This makes me uncomfortable, and I'm having a hard time with it' and 'This means my partner is behaving like a child,'" Lavery added.
