A cancer diagnosis can be a terrifying storm that's challenging for any couple to weather. But no matter how hard it is to watch your loved one face this battle, for the person who is actually sick, it's so much worse. But try telling that to the man who bolted out of the hospital the second he learned his wife was sick.
The couple learned the devastating news together after his wife rushed herself to the emergency room with searing pelvic pain.
The 33-year-old man explained in the Am I The A–hole forum on Reddit that he was able to meet his 32-year-old wife at the hospital after coming home from a work trip on Saturday.
When her doctor came into the room, she asked her husband to stay.
And then her doctor delivered the terrible, terrible news.
"He takes a deep breath and said that from the transvaginal ultrasound and CT scan results, she has ovarian cancer," the husband recalled.
His wife broke into tears.
The husband said he was too stunned to speak.
"My wife asks what that means for her and he says that she'll likely at least need a full hysterectomy, and they'd have to remove the fallopian tubes as well as the ovaries," he wrote.
The news "jolted" the husband from his chair.
Because he quickly understood that without ovaries, there would be no biological kids.
"I'm overwhelmed with emotions of anger, not just anger at the disease, but pent up anger [from] the fact that I had begged her to have kids since we were 26, but she refused for her career," he explained.
And now he's worried that they'll never be a "real family."
"I didn't even know if she would remain the woman I married, whether the last picture of us together would be last time I'd remember her looking beautiful, young, and carefree. Because the wife I have in front of me was already a different person," he continued.
His wife grabbed for his hand, looking for some comfort.
And told him that "we’ll fight this and we'll adopt."
But the OP shook his head and headed straight for the door.
"I still had my suitcase in the car so I drove to a hotel because I didn't know if my wife was going to end up being discharged or what," he recalled.
Once he was away from the hospital, he was finally able to get out of "reactive mode."
But the loss of his dream to start a family with his wife is still all too real.
"I finally was able to get a grasp on all my emotions and feel more like my normal self in that I knew exactly what I felt about every aspect and how I would react to it from here on out," he wrote.
But I don't think he should expect his wife to be waiting for him to sort out his feelings.
"I get a call from my MIL saying that if I was at a hotel or 'wherever else' I should just stay there," he continued.
"Am I The A–hole for walking out? I admit it was done on impulse but this diagnosis just sliced my life and my wife's life wide open," he wrote.
In short -- yes.
According to internet commenters, not only did he completely bungle this horrible moment for his wife, he was downright selfish, too.
"Oh. My God. Your wife deserves far better than you," one commenter wrote. "This is not about you or your feelings. No one preempts cancer. No woman should be forced to have children earlier than she's ready to just to fit into someone else's grand master plan. The fact that you don't see her as the person you married when she is more than just an incubator and a baby making machine is deeply troubling. You should go back. Grovel and support the hell out of her. The vows you made were 'in sickness and in health.' Stop being a wet ham sandwich of a man and be a decent human being."
"Imagine wasting that much time on a man to find out what a terrible person he is when you need his love and support the most," someone else agreed. "He 100% shouldn't go back and grovel, just in case there’s any chance she actually listens and takes him back. You're The A–hole OP, she deserves more than you."
"Jeeeesus. Sometimes I read a post on this subreddit and think, 'Yep, this is it–THIS is the worst human being.' And then this guy goes and prove me wrong," third person wrote. "YTA OP. Sure, you're allowed to mourn the loss of what could have been, but you don't get to abandon your wife during the worst moment of her life and cry victim."
A few people felt the OP made a good point.
"Look, this news is devastating to both of you. You need time to process it," one commenter wrote. "She needed you in that moment. She wants support for her loved ones because she is scared. I'm not surprised she is hurt and angry by you leaving."
"BUT YOU HAVE FEELINGS TOO, WHICH WERE IGNORED FOR YEARS. Don't let anyone tell you to suck it up; that's toxic masculinity. You were also dealt a massive blow to your life goals, and you need time to process. You are every bit as special and important as she is, OP."
"NAH here, you got handed a huge shock and handled it poorly, but your next stop might as well be a divorce lawyer, because you guys are done," someone else wrote. "If you want kids, your own kids, and you can't have them with her that's a dealbreaker. The resentment you're going to have towards her for not having kids earlier is going to be near-impossible to overcome. Some are going to call you a huge asshole for leaving the hospital like that, but I think what you did simply skipped months or years of a deteriorating relationship leading up to a separation. Get a divorce. It's the most fair thing for both of you."
While a third person put it this way: "You are mourning the loss of biological children, and the shock of your wife's cancer. Please see a therapist for this. You should also see a marriage counsellor because despite the fact that you needed space to process this, your wife absolutely needed your support in that moment."
The chances of the OP's wife getting over this in the next century are slim-to-none, but if the OP is determined to make things right he's going to need to show up for her in a big way. Worry about your future kids later, OP, help get your wife through this first.
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