4 Things To Never Say to Someone in an Abusive Relationship

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As a society that has glamorized violence against women (Game of Thrones, I’m looking at you), we are taught to blame the victim when we hear about abusive relationships. Even with the best intentions, it can be difficult to navigate a conversation with a survivor of abuse.

The first step is to understand the different types of domestic violence that can occur and that it may not be physical. From minimizing their issues to accusing them of being overly dramatic, here are four things never to say to someone in an abusive relationship.

'Just break it off with him!'

You may think this is the simplest solution to your friend’s issue, but this comment is incredibly insensitive and crass. For instance, if he’s being abusive, she should just leave and protect herself, right? This seemingly harmless suggestion, however, actually hurts the person more than you know. Unless you’re in their exact situation and relationship, you have no idea what your friend is going through.

An abusive relationship often does not start off as abusive. It begins very subtly with name-calling, insults, and controlling and jealous behavior. It could escalate toward emotional, mental, and physical threats with a weapon, forcing sexual acts, and physical violence. An abuser uses manipulation and blame that distorts the victim’s thoughts and emotions. They often feel powerless, at fault for their situation, and have a deep fear of leaving.

Therefore, keep this comment to yourself. Do not criticize your friend’s judgment. Respect her decision. Some women will leave their abusive partner but return shortly afterward. Your friend may go back and forth. Do not make her feel bad for staying or for returning to her partner. Support her with unconditional love and support.

'What did you do to piss him off?'

This is like saying a woman deserves to be raped if she wears a low-cut top because she was asking for it and men can’t help themselves. It’s disgusting.

Abusive behavior is never, ever justified. It doesn’t matter what the victim said or did. No one deserves to be treated that way.

Abusers will often blame their victims for their own behavior. They will tell her that it is her fault she got hit or threatened because she made them angry or upset. They almost never take responsibility for their actions. Your friend is already on the receiving end of all that. This comment, therefore, actually exacerbates the blame your friend already feels.

Instead, tell your friend that it isn’t her fault that her partner behaved that way. Emphasize that abuse is never OK. Let her know you care about her and that you are worried about her safety. Try to get her to recognize that her relationship is unhealthy and abusive and that it’s not normal for a relationship to be violent. Tell her she is not alone and that help exists.

'Are you sure you’re not just being sensitive?'

You might think you know your friend’s partner well, but how do you really know what goes on behind closed doors? Maybe her partner is always on their best behavior when others are around and you only see that side.

Abusers often care a lot about what others perceive of them. They will put up a front and act caring, loving, and good-hearted around those who are not in their relationship. Therefore, the people outside of the relationship may not believe a victim when she talks about her partner’s abusive behavior.

Your friend is not being sensitive. Do not minimize her pain. Do not downplay her hurt. Do not accuse her of being overly dramatic. She needs someone she can trust who believes her and will listen to her. Acknowledge her situation. Tell her it is scary and difficult but that you are available to help and support her with whatever she needs.

'He’s a jerk. You need to fight back next time!'

First, refrain from talking badly about your friend’s partner because it will make her want to defend her partner and downplay her abuse. She may not want to confide with you anymore because she’s worried you’re going to judge her for being with someone you don’t approve of. You do not want to break her trust.

Sometimes victims will physically or verbally retaliate against their abusers in self-defense. For instance, she gets hit by her partner hits and she pushes back. Or she is called names and she insults back. This is when abusers will take the opportunity to manipulate their victims into believing that she is the abusive partner, not them.

Instead of saying this, encourage her to maintain contact with her friends and family outside of the relationship. Support her by letting her know about the resources that are available. Offer specific support such as helping with child care, driving her to see a lawyer, or talking to the police.

Ultimately, although it is very difficult to see your friend go through this, it is up to her to decide whether she wants to take action. You cannot free, save, or rescue her. You may feel helpless, but being supportive and helping her through this is the best thing you can do as a friend.

If you or someone you know has been the victim of domestic abuse, you can find help and support at DVIS.org, the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, or by contacting your local women's shelter (domesticshelters.org).