One night, eight months pregnant with my first child, I went out for dinner with my husband. We were looking forward to a quiet dinner out, just the two of us, before we became three. But no. Halfway through our meal, a man my husband knew came over to our table to talk to him. He just kept talking and talking. Then he sat. The waiter came over to inform him that his takeout order was ready.
“I’ll eat here,” he said. At our table. With my husband and I. Without even asking.
I was furious. I kept darting my eyes at my husband, figuring he would know me well enough to know that I was annoyed. But no. Italians always think of how they look to others. Bella Figura, it’s called. Otherwise known as making a good impression. How would it look if he asked him to excuse us? How would this other man take it? It didn’t matter how I, his wife, felt. My husband Vito, born and raised in Italy, was more concerned about not offending this man, merely an acquaintance. Italians are very concerned with appearance. Not giving off a bruta figura. They want you to know how accommodating, laid-back, and welcoming they are.
To me, this was just rude behavior. In the US, under no circumstance, would it be considered OK to just sit down and join someone at the table without even asking, let alone a man out to dinner with his pregnant wife. But again, in Italy, this is OK and not considered poor behavior. I should have just sat back and enjoyed the ride.
That evening with my husband brought up a bigger issue.
When two partners come from different cultures, how do they compromise over cultural or religious differences?
In any partnership, it is understood that you will need to make sacrifices. It’s ideally 50-50, more or less. Sometimes people do something they don’t want to do to make their partner happy. That’s what a good, healthy relationship is.
But when it comes to dealing with cultural differences, how do you make that work? When does compromise mean compromising yourself and what you stand for?
It makes sense to do something to make your partner happy, even if it’s not something for you.
It will make for a healthy, happy, and ideally, long marriage. Trust me, even a small gesture goes a long way. For example, my husband is not much of a Christmas guy, but come December, he dresses our house from head to toe with lights just to make me happy. Why? Because he loves me and knows it makes me smile. We do things we don’t like to do to please someone else. Point blank.
But certain things maybe shouldn’t have to be compromised, even if it is in the name of "culture."
Another example of a recent conversation I had with my husband involved a certain Italian "delicacy."
“But, why? It’s delicious. Sweet and full of iron,” he exclaimed.
“No, I will not allow it in my house. It will not be something cooked in my kitchen,” I, American-born, refuted.
That was the end of the argument. Our home would allow no horse meat.
That’s right, horse meat. In Italy, especially in certain regions, eating horse meat is acceptable. It is considered quite a delicacy. But for an American like myself, the idea is disgusting. Americans look at horses as regal creatures, used for sport or as pets. But apparently, Italians see dinner.
Should I really not allow horse meat in my house simply because it freaks me out because I’m American? Or, since I now live in Italy and am married to an Italian, should I just give in? It’s not frowned upon here, and it’s not illegal, so in the eyes of an Italian, I’m doing nothing wrong.
Of course, on the flip side, I have certain American and New York traits that my husband does not understand, but he really doesn't feel a super need to bend to them.
In fact, a few times my husband has said to me “Ma sei Italiana o Americana? Tu vive a Italia adesso, quindi bisogno fare come fare il Italiani,” otherwise translated to “But you’re Italian or American? You live in Italy now, so you need to do how the Italians do.” And he’s right, sort of.
I live in Italy, so if anyone should have to adapt, it should be me. If I had wanted to remain completely American, I could have stayed in the US. It’s not fair for me to expect Italians in Italy to change their ways, correct?
But again, how do I remain true to my American ways while leaving room to embrace Italian culture and keeping balance in my marriage? After all, he married an American. Just as I would never expect him to be less Italian, he has no right to expect me to be less American.
It’s not always so simple.
One of the many reasons I moved to Italy as an Italian American was because I loved the culture. I was looking for a different life at a slower, calmer pace. I was fully ready to become Italian … until I saw what it might mean in some cases.
Cultural differences in general are a touchy subject. You need to be very careful about what you say, how you say it and to whom you say it. What makes the world so interesting is that we’re all different. If we were all the same, life would be very boring.
I’ve learned, from my experience, that you go case by case. When it’s something small, I will usually let it slide. In Italy, for example, it’s perfectly acceptable to treat someone to coffee. My husband does it a lot, and at times, I think it’s unnecessary. But for 80 cents, I’ll let it go.
When it is a bigger issue — like that infamous night at dinner, I do not let it slide. That evening when we returned home, I told my husband I was annoyed.
“But I can’t say anything to him, it’s not right,” he said.
I said the next time you will say, “Excuse me. I’m having an evening out with my wife.” Done. Simple as that. If someone is offended by that, too bad.
Marriage is about two people coming together because they love each other. In any marriage, balance is expected, and compromises are made — whether it’s going to a soccer game with your husband (even though you hate soccer) or your husband taking you to the ballet one night (even if he hates the ballet.)
But for certain things, I refuse to change. Under no circumstances will I ever eat horse.
