I’m a glass half full kinda woman. I believe in the power of positive thinking and generally wake up in a good mood. I’ve been this way all my life, and it’s annoying to some, I know. My life is hardly perfect — no one’s life is — and the goal is not to be happy 24/7. But I think "self-care," "wellness," and "joy" have been such buzzwords over the past few years because we’re realizing how important it is to take care of ourselves from the inside out.
Doesn’t happiness and joy just happen? Well, no. Especially not for people who are constantly under some sort of pressure or ridicule or pain and suffering. It seems unimaginable, but it’s what Black people in America have had to deal with for centuries.
Last year definitely did a number on my joy as I struggled to balance my spiritual, mental, and physical journeys among other things.
I remember talking to a girlfriend in the summer of 2020 about how we’re experiencing a "pandemic within a pandemic" because not only are we dealing with living through the mind-blowing reality of COVID-19, but we’re also Black women and mothers facing the continuing plight of racial justice. The short story: It’s still extremely rough.
So much of this past year has brought into focus how much we need to revamp old ideas of ourselves, our country, and our world and cultivate new ways of living.
The collective "we" needs a total makeover. That’s not going to happen overnight, but starting with ourselves is where the work should begin. Cultivating joy has been my most important work lately because it’s vital for my mental and physical health. It’s part of my history, and I’m definitely not the first person to point this out, but Black joy is a major part of the reason why my people have been so resilient.
Although joy is defined as a feeling of great pleasure and happiness, Black joy specifically relates to our collective self-preservation in the face of constant racism and trauma.
Part of the challenge is remaining joyful while facing tragedy. The point is not to ignore the heaviness of what’s happening in the world but to still express gratitude, enjoy laughter and celebrate, despite the hurt we may feel in the face of a history and culture that sought to keep us down. Acts of joy and care are how we cope and, hopefully, thrive.
As a parent, a Black mother, it’s important that I encourage my daughter to have joys and things to look forward to in her life, but it’s also key that I’m serving as an example of someone who is practicing what I preach.
At 15, she needs to see me active in the pursuit of my own happiness because it’s a tool she’ll use in her own life.
In early 2020, I came across a YouTube video in which former First Lady Michelle Obama discussed why experiencing joy is so valuable.
“What happens in your darkest hour? It’s true, those times will come, and there isn’t a magic answer to that,” Obama said at the Obama Foundation conference in 2019. “But if you have been thoughtful in your life and you understand how to bring yourself joy, that’s what gets you through it. It doesn’t mean that the dark day didn’t happen. It means that because you’ve planned joy, joy is coming. But a lot of times we plan work, that’s what we’re taught to do, but we’re not taught to plan our lives and plan our joy.”
At the end of her talk about planning joy, she posed a question that I’ve started to ask my daughter regularly:
“What are you doing this week that’s going to make you, selfishly, smile? How are you going to make sure that weekly, many times a week, and I dare say it maybe even everyday, you have a little joy in your life?”
The conversation with my daughter doesn’t end there — this is where she’s able to think about more than her current intense online ninth-grade honors classes — and we talk about the little things that spark joy in life. She’s also able to imagine life as a 10th grader in an actual high school classroom, as a college student, and other dreams she has for her own life.
My journey to joy is more than self-care. It’s a revolution because it’s the foundation that helps weather the storms and cope with circumstances beyond my control.
A much-referenced quote by poet Audre Lorde expresses it best: “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence. It is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare," Lorde wrote in A Burst of Light and Other Essays.
I can reveal that taking stock of what’s inside of you and committing to deep acts of care may seem uncomfortable at first because we’re so accustomed to prioritizing other people and things before ourselves, it’s just easier to take the focus off of self. But in times like these, especially when stress is so high, cultivating joy and self-care is where we get the energy for everything else. What if joy is the whole game, not just the end game?
If I could leave you with anything, it would be to search for the literal and figurative safe spaces where you can cultivate joy and hold on to them tight. If you’re in need of some joy, no matter your culture or background, here are some ways I’ve been cultivating it in my life:
-
Take nothing for granted, no matter how small. Joy and self-care for a mom can be taking the time to make yourself a full-on Sunday breakfast on a regular Tuesday morning, giving yourself a mani-pedi, or watching an uplifting movie.
-
Join a positive movement. GirlTrek is a national health movement that I joined over the summer. It activates thousands of Black women to be change makers in their lives and communities — through walking. It's nationwide but also virtual, so you can listen to conversations and playlists from Spotify. The organization's 100 Acts of Radical Self-Care list is full of joyful goals.
-
Connect with extended family or friends once a month. Zoom meetings don’t have to only be for work. It took a while, but my family has gotten into the habit of scheduling a virtual check-in every month, and it feels great to see everyone catch up on little and big things happening in our lives. It also really helps to actually see each other. Phone chats and texting still happen, but our monthly face-to-face chats are keeping us connected and sane.
-
Sharing joy with my daughter. We make sure to spend time together that doesn’t revolve on work or school. Whether it’s the running we’ve started to do together weekly, shutting out the world and doing arts & crafts for the day, or just watching a movie together, we’re planning our joy, as Michelle Obama suggested.
-
Quiet solo time. It may seem impossible when your kids are young, but even 15 minutes to yourself daily can be life-changing. This pandemic has flipped everyone’s lives upside down, so taking the time to do yoga, hop on my stationary bike, read a book, or just sit in silence is golden.
Things are hard in the world right now, especially for Black people, but loving yourself and caring for yourself is an act of rebellion in said world.
Be rebellious.
