OK, so I’m just gonna say right now that if you read the title and you immediately said to yourself, “We really could use a nice vacation” — that is not what I’m talking about. A sexcation is not about sightseeing. A sexcation isn’t even about getting a little more quality time with your hubby. A sexcation is about being intentional about setting some time aside to prioritize sex — all things sexual — into your lives.
The reason I needed to put that on record, right out of the gate, is I’ve “prescribed” a sexcation to couples before who’ve come back talking like they went on a family vacay. In fact, when I asked about how the sex went, some had the nerve to say they didn’t have any (what in the world?!).
So, before even diving in, when I speak of having a sexcation at home, this means that sex needs to be on the forefront of you and your partner’s mind and on the top of your agenda. Otherwise, it’s a staycation, which is cool, but not the same thing. Not by a long shot.
Now for 10 things that can make your sexcation totally unforgettable …
Hire Someone To Clean Your House
Most of the people in my world are borderline OCD about cleanliness. And the married ones all tell me that a part of the reason why sex doesn’t happen as much as they would like is because they are tired from the day-to-day, only to come home and then … clean.
When it comes to planning a sexcation, if you know that you’re going to have a hard time “getting off the grid” because all you can think about is vacuuming the bonus room or the kind of attention that you want to give to your windows and baseboards, treat yourself to a professional who can come and clean up your house before your sexcation officially begins.
And if there’s any part of you that feels guilty for doing so, remember that because you’ll be at home the entire time, that money won’t be going to travel or hotel costs. Plus, a clean house is always a wise move, so paying someone to do it is always going to be a smart investment.
Besides, while they’re inside getting your house in order, you can be running out to get rose petals for the bed and/or bath, new lingerie in his favorite color (ask him to get himself some fresh silk or satin boxers in yours) and tea light candles for days in order to set the mood. It’s a win/win all the way around.
Get the Kids Out of the House
One of my favorite couples often tell me that they always have better sex when they’re in a hotel room and it’s for two reasons. One is because they are thrilled that they don’t have to do any cleaning up afterwards. The second is because they don’t have to worry about their kids hearing them while they’re doin’ the do.
Listen, some people have been used to having kids-in-the-house sex for so long that it’s affected the kind of positions they get into, how much they rock the bed, and how loud they are — and sometimes, all of this can play a role in how intense their sexual pleasure can be.
That’s why a sexcation isn’t going to work (well) unless you get the kids out of the house. I’m pretty sure you’ve got some friends with kids who could use a sexcation sooner than later, too. Why not swap out weekends with them? This way, no one has to pay and both couples can reap the rewards of a childless home (send the pets over, too, if you can).
Purchase Some Blackout Curtains
It’s kind of crazy — and by “crazy” what I mean is sad — how many of us are literal slaves to the clock. On this topic, what I mean is that we can be having a perfectly good time with our partner while watching a movie or even just walking down memory lane, see the time on a clock and instantly shift our focus onto other things.
Again, a sexcation is all about prioritizing sex. This means that you need to get totally off of the clock. Aside from unplugging (more on that in a minute), something that can help you to do that is get some blackout curtains. I have some in my bedroom and let me tell you — when I want to sleep in without any real knowledge of what time of day it is, blackout curtains will make that happen.
When it comes to sex specifically, if you’re someone who prefers to have sex at night (because it’s dark), blackout curtains can make it possible for you to have sex all hours of the day without noticing if it’s noon or midnight — especially if you don’t have your phones or clocks displayed anywhere. This brings me to the next point.
Unplug & Disconnect
You’re only fooling yourself if you think that you can have a proper sexcation while still surfing the ‘net on your smartphone, semi-working on your laptop, or staying up all night to binge watch a show that you know that your spouse couldn’t care less about. Unplugging? It’s not just a good idea for your brain, it’s a wise move when it comes to your sex life, too.
If you don’t have kids, my recommendation would be to disconnect totally. If you do have children who are staying elsewhere, ask whoever’s watching them to only reach out if it’s an absolute emergency. Otherwise, discipline yourself to only call to say, “Good Morning” and “Good Night." The purpose of a sexcation is not just to reignite your sex life, but to cultivate laser-focused intimacy — and that comes, in part, through quality time. In order for that to happen, you need as few distractions as possible. Unplugging can definitely help to make that happen.
Put Together a Nostalgia Music & Movie Playlist
I once heard someone say that getting back with an ex is like getting out of the shower and putting the same underwear back on. That’s why, when it comes to nostalgia, it’s so important to make sure that you don’t assume that it’s love … just because you “feel something.” Especially since articles like one I once saw on Bustle say that nostalgia can literally change the brain.
But when you’re already in a solid long-term relationship, nostalgia can prove to be quite beneficial. That’s because it can make you feel happier, decrease negativity, cause you to literally feel warmer and make you feel more connected to your memories and the people attached to them.
All of these reasons are why it can never hurt to put together a “love nostalgia” music and/or movie playlist. Dance to some of the songs that you used to listen to while dating. Put together a sex music list to be intimate with. Watch movies that make you and your hubby want to cuddle up closer together. The more that you’re able to “tap into” good feelings, the easier it will be to create more of them (if you know what I mean).
Create a Sex Bucket List
If there’s one thing that couples of more than 10 years often tell me when it comes to their sex life, it’s (almost verbatim too) that, “It’s not that the sex isn’t still good. It’s just that we’ve been doing it the same way for so long that it’s become predictable and boring.” I’ve said it in other articles that I’ve written for CafeMom before — being bored is a cause for divorce that is rising and isn’t getting discussed nearly enough.
Since you’re going to be focusing mostly on sex during this particular kind of vacation, talk to your spouse (before the sexcation starts) about what some of their fantasies are. Then share some of yours. After jotting down no less than five to 10 things, come to a compromise about which two (from each list) you’re both willing to try during your sexcation. Trust me, the anticipation alone of trying something new will be the ultimate kind of foreplay (since the biggest sex organ is our minds anyway).
Oh, and if you really want to take things up a notch, play a sex version of Truth or Dare. Put all of the ideas into a hat or box and then use them as the “dare” part of the game. You won’t know what’s coming but, whatever it is, it’ll be stimulating. That’s for damn sure.
Order In
It’s irrefutable that cooking at home versus eating out is not only cheaper but healthier (although these groceries are really getting to be like gas prices these days — totally out of hand). And while there can be some romantic moments that come from cooking together as a couple, I totally get if, “thanks” (but no thanks) to the pandemic (that we’re still in, people) you’ve got some cooking fatigue going on. And when you’re tired of cooking or tired from cooking (not to mention the cleaning up that follows), usually the last thing you want to do is have sex afterwards.
SEXCATIONS ARE ABOUT SEX — and yes, I am yelling it! This means that anything that will decrease the chances of you making that happen are things you need to steer clear of during this time. So, any meal that’s gonna require more than 10 minutes of effort and/or is going to cause you to put many dishes in the sink — be intentional about not making it. Order in instead. See about getting some aphrodisiacs (more on that in a sec) like strawberries, oysters, pumpkin, artichokes, dark chocolate, and cherries delivered to you while you’re at it. And don’t feel the least bit guilty. It’s what’s required to make your sexcation go smoothly.
Drink Some Aphrodisiacs
Any substance or food that stimulates or enhances sexual desire qualifies as an aphrodisiac. Because I’m big on couples toasting one another on a consistent basis, during your sexcation, why not open up a bottle that is almost guaranteed to get your juices flowing (red wine, champagne, tequila, whiskey, and any mixed drink with chocolate in it will do the trick) and verbalize what you enjoy about each other sexually — the body parts that turn you on, the things that your partner does that drive you wild and the last time you had sex that qualifies as one for the record books.
If alcohol isn’t your thing? Mocktails made with ginger and/or honey, vanilla, cinnamon, and saffron also qualify as aphrodisiacs.
Schedule a Couples' Massage
Just because you’re vacationing at home, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do a couple of things to treat yourself. So, if it’s in the budget, schedule a couples massage — a massage therapist who will set up massage tables at your home, so that you never have to leave it.
Not only will a couples’ massage pamper you and your partner, it will also decrease stress levels, boost your oxytocin hormone (so that you’ll want to get closer to your partner), relax your muscles and limbs, increase flexibility, and make you feel less anxious — just in case something on that sex bucket list has you feeling a little … antsy beforehand.
If coins are tight and a professional massage isn’t realistic right now, the two of you can still get each other in the mood by giving one another a back or foot massage. Make it extra special by DIY’ing a sensual massage oil. Some essential oils that can help to boost your libido include lavender, vanilla, citrus, ylang ylang, jasmine, sandalwood, and rose. If you mix them with a carrier oil like sweet almond, grapeseed, or jojoba and warm the oil up in the microwave for five to 10 seconds, you’ll have an oil that will definitely get your libido going (Extra tip: Sprinkle some of the essential oil onto your bedding so that your nose can get in on the fun as well).
Sleep — Well, Sex — In
Do me a favor. When you get a chance, check out the Sleep Foundation’s article, “The Relationship Between Sex and Sleep”. Bottom line, sex improves one’s quality of sleep and, at the same time, sleep can make sex better, too. That’s another perk to having the blackout curtains and no devices with the time on them being in your presence during your sexcation. Because shoot, if all y’all did was have sex, sleep, order in, and take showers/baths (preferably together) only to “rinse and repeat” — that would qualify as an ultimate sexcation … one that I’m sure both of you would be excited about planning again. I can almost guarantee it!
Shellie R. Warren is a marriage life coach, doula, and the author of Inside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption.
