My Friend’s Wife Only Talks About Her Kid & Was Irate When I Said Mom Isn’t a Personality

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Let's get one thing straight: Being a mom is basically a job. No matter how you slice it, kids are a lot of work, and many moms throw themselves into the motherhood role full force and don't look back. But that isn't the only way to mom. You can still be loving, doting, and wonderful even if you have interests outside the parenting realm.

A mother of one posted in Reddit's AITA forum because she feels that even though she adores her daughter, there is more to life than being her mom. She recently got into a spat with another mom about what parenting is all about and hurt her feelings. Now the original poster wonders if she was off base telling this mother that being a mom "isn't a personality."

OP doesn't embrace the idea that motherhood is all-encompassing.

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OP and her husband share a 5-year-old daughter, Maddie, whom they adore. OP says that Maddie is the greatest joy of her life but that motherhood doesn't define her. She has plenty of other interests outside of her daughter and continues to enjoy them. On the other hand, her friend Ollie's wife, Rebecca, only talks about her 4-year-old daughter, Beth, and OP finds it exhausting.

"If she's not trying to gather a consensus on parenting, she's pre-packing snacks a day in advance even though anywhere we're going is ten metres from a cafe," OP explained. "It can be very tiring, especially as most of the time these conversations are directed solely at me, and she can be very judgemental if I try to shut the conversation down."

Their parenting styles clashed on a recent visit.

OP and her husband moved abroad and invited Ollie, Rebecca, and Beth to visit. During their stay, OP became annoyed with Rebecca and her constant talk about being a mom. The adults were relaxing in the hot tub one night and OP came out in a bathing suit that Rebecca called "a bit risqué for a mum." OP was done and snapped at her.

"I said, 'what exactly does that mean? Do you realise being a mother isn't a personality?'"

Rebecca started to cry, and Ollie told OP she had insulted her because being a mom is her whole personality. OP's friends agree that what she said was cold because it is clear that motherhood is Rebecca's entire identity. She argued that Rebecca is imposing that on her, and she isn't interested in conforming to that way of thinking. So, who is the a–hole in this situation?

No, OP, you don't have to only be a mom.

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Some Redditors feel like OP is just standing up for what she believes in and that she doesn't have to share Rebecca's way of thinking.

"NTA," one person wrote. "You weren't really personally attacking her; you were standing up for your own preserved sense of identity as a sexual creature (assuming based on the comment that the bathing suit was 'risque') and individual despite also wearing the hat of 'mother.' I'm a middle aged dad and all my friends have kids. I see it much more often with the women in the couples I'm friends with that the only thing they talk about is their kids and being a parent. It's soooooooo f—ing boring. I can understand why a woman like that would have a level of jealousy of a woman who hasn't just handed her entire sense of self over to that mindset."

"OMGosh OP, yes!" another person wrote. "I feel so judged and so alone because I'm not a 'Mom' Mom. No, I'm myself as well. Just as I'm teaching my kids. We as an entire family dynamic are not that way. And people are so aggressive about it. You are NTA!!!"

Another Redditor wrote: "NTA. Yeah, there is no such thing as 'mom-appropriate clothing' because 'mom' isn't a body type either and everyone should just wear whatever they feel their best in. She could have just commented that you looked good in the bathing suit, but it the cut would be too risque for HER personal taste (an unnecessary comment, but at least it would be stating personal preference)."

But, OP, you have to give respect if you want to be given it.

While most of the Reddit community agreed that OP is justified to have other interests, they agree that she needs to give Rebecca grace, too.

"YTA," a Redditor pointed out. "Being Not-Mom also isn't a personality."

"It sounds like you want her to respect and support your choices to be the woman that you want to be," someone else wrote. "Even though you are not offering her the same respect. You look down on SAHM's and you have made it very clear that you think you are better than her and that the things she cares about are ridiculous. My guess is that this has become very obvious to her as you probably aren't that great of an actress. You may not have said it outright but people can feel when you don't respect them. Especially women and moms who are already experiencing this judgement from society."

"YTA— it's a personality, even if it's not yours, and the way you framed it revealed your contempt for what is indeed her personality," another comment reads.

Every personality is unique. Be who you want to be.

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OP, you and Rebecca are different people and different moms. That is OK. As long as you show your children love and raise them to be good people, that's all anyone can ask for. Redditors just want you to realize that everyone has opinions.

You have probably told your daughter, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all," a time or two. Maybe you should remember to live by that one yourself.