I am no stranger to the odd internet troll. I am often told that I am parenting wrong in some way and that I don’t have any mental health issues. This is what I predominately write about and when coupled with some “controversial opinions,” I am not surprised with the feedback. However, recently I found myself defending my honor and being shamed on speed when I posted my experience with a vibrator.
I was 33 when I had my first orgasm.
I am 35, and it was only till I was 33 did I really discover a vibrator and its use. That was because I grew up with sexual abuse, and there was a massive stigma attached to pleasure.
Masturbation and anything of its kind was frowned upon and considered dirty. I would feel a huge amount of shame that would stop me from seeking any type of pleasure.
I also felt like sex was only for men and would act accordingly.
I would turn into a better actress than Meryl Streep when sleeping with a guy. The sounds, the movements, the faking; all of it a spectacular theatrical affair. I could have won an Oscar. And they’d love it, of course, they’d feel like a king, but me? I’d be left unsatisfied, disappointed, and feeling like I was the one who was broken because I couldn’t orgasm like a porn star.
I found out I wasn’t the only one.
Thousands and thousands of women were doing the same, and that was until they discovered the magical vibrations of a sex toy. I spoke to these women and their empowering experiences of finally having the big O after years of trauma or faking it, or both and it made me realise it was a movement I wanted to get behind too. A self-empowering, confidence-building, earth-shattering movement. Because it is just that, it IS self-empowering.
Imagining only thinking of your body as a tool for the opposite sex for years? What a waste of living. What a tragedy.
So I shared an experience, I shared a tool I used to get there. I wrote about a vibrator, offering a discount code. I didn’t write about how I specifically used the toy in a play-by-play breakdown. But you would have thought I did, and just killed a thousand puppies and cancelled Christmas with the way some men carried on.
I had men telling me I needed to find Jesus (little do they know I went to heaven twice with that toy), men telling me that if I really loved my husband (who is now an ex), and that I’d never need a vibrator. There was also a guy telling me that I am creating a divide between the genders, and encouraging women to replace their partners with silicone. Some of the comments were so aggressive I had to ban people.
Masturbation: men vs women.
Now I get it, yeah if a guy wrote a post about him wanking into a tissue, it might be perceived as a little bit, what the hell, but, let’s be real, the jokes about men and their sexual use and wanking have been plenty. Movies like American Pie, I mean f— any movie with a teenager getting busted wanking — would you ever see a female doing that in a movie? God no. Even the thought of that made you feel instant disgust, didn’t it? Because quite simply, women aren’t allowed to have sex or be sexual without it being slutty or dirty, or even shameful.
And the fact is, it is different for men and women because pleasure has always been about men.
Because the statistics of women being sexually abused and raped are so high, and women feel like they need to win best-supporting actress when they are in the bedroom to make a man happy. And I have never, ever met a man who faked it. Most of the time they pretend they haven’t just blown their load in 2.0 seconds.
There's no shame in using sex toys.
Many of us embrace using sex toys without shame but it was evident in the feedback that I received, mostly from men, that there is still so much stigma surrounding female pleasure and the pleasure of people with vulvas.
The outrage alone is enough to get anyone dry as the Sahara Desert. And look, I don’t blame the men finger-bashing their phones to my post (no pun intended) and their insecurities around females achieving orgasms alone. It is because while we may be more sex-positive these days, we still need to overcome the hurdle that women (and people with vulvas) who use vibrators during sex are replacing their partners.
Or, that if you use one while you're having sex with someone, this means they're doing a bad job. They’re not. It’s about women undoing trauma or the notion that sex is like a porno where penetration alone is enough for an orgasm. That's not the case, and it’s not about you, or your ego, Steve.
We all have sex, we all enjoy an orgasm, and people with vaginas deserve orgasms, they DESERVE pleasure, but more than that, they deserve to have their vaginas talked about without disgust or discomfort.
This essay was republished with permission and was written by Laura Mazza. You can follow her journey on Facebook or Instagram.
