A mother recently reached out to advice columnist "Dear Therapist" at The Atlantic for suggestions on how to tell her 30-year-old daughter that her "brother" is actually her biological father. The mother explained that she met her husband later in life and he already had two kids and a vasectomy, so rather than go through a sperm bank, they asked her husband’s adult son if he’d be willing to help them.
It is obviously going to be a difficult conversation since the person her daughter thought of as a sibling is actually biologically her father and the person she thought was her dad, is technically her grandfather.
Lori Gottlieb, a qualified therapist and writer for The Atlantic, responded with some brutally honest, but helpful and insightful advice for navigating this unusual family secret.
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The couple wanted children, but the man had already had a vasectomy before their marriage.
The anonymous mother explained that her husband had two adult children and his vasectomy happened too long ago to get it reversed, which is how her daughter’s stepbrother became her biological father. The mother pointed out that her husband’s son agreed to help. She wrote: “We didn’t want to use a sperm bank, so we asked my husband’s son to be the donor … He agreed to help."
She continued, "Our daughter is 30 now. How do we tell her that her father is her grandfather, her brother is her father, her sister is her aunt, and her nephew is her half-brother?"
At the time, it seemed like a good plan.
The mother explained the reasoning behind her and her husband's decision to use his son as a sperm donor instead of going through a sperm bank. The mother wrote, “We felt that was the best decision: Our child would have my husband’s genes, and we knew my stepson’s health, personality, and intelligence."
She also mentioned that she and her husband are worried about how her daughter will handle the news and that she may not view the man that raised her as her father anymore, per VT.
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‘The people she calls her parents have deceived her for 30 years.'
Gottlieb warned the mother that her daughter will be processing two key pieces of information when she tells her the truth. “As you think about how to have an honest conversation, keep in mind that there are two truths your daughter will be absorbing simultaneously: First, the person she calls her brother is her biological father, and second, the people she calls her parents have deceived her for 30 years,” she replied.
Gottlieb also advised the mother not to make any excuses for her choices or actions when she tells her daughter the truth about her parentage and to take “full responsibility."
‘Family secrets make us sick … Know that you're doing the right thing.’
Though the therapist's advice initially started out as harsh, she did console the mother. She noted that even though this will be a difficult conversation, she is, in fact, doing the right thing by telling her daughter the truth. Gottlieb wrote, “Whatever the reason, and however challenging this revelation might be, know that you’re doing the right thing."
She did point out that “secrets can literally make us sick," adding that keeping this secret for so long had likely affected her husband, her stepson, and even her daughter who could have sensed “that something she can’t name has always felt off.”
Gottlieb explained, once the mother tells her daughter about who her real father is, it will probably be the beginning of many “ongoing” conversations. The therapist left the mother with some final pearls of wisdom. “You clearly love your daughter, and we owe honesty to the people we love," she concluded.
