Having grandparents is a blessing not everyone has growing up. If you're lucky enough to spend special time with a grand, it can be fantastic and memorable. Sometimes grandparents live far away and come to visit for extended periods to make up for the distance. Although a kid may not notice, having a house guest for a long time can be a bit of a hassle for the adults involved.
We all know that life has been tricky the last few years, which has caused some families to be separated for a very long time. The kids in one such family have not seen their grandmother since the beginning of 2020. Life has changed dramatically since then. The children have grown, and the family has even added a baby. The mom posted in the Mumsnet AIBU Forum to talk about her mother-in-law and whether she is being unkind by not wanting her around for Christmas after a recent extended stay.
Opening your home to guests is generous but also hard work.
The original poster and her family have been apart from her MIL for nearly three years. She loves her MIL and graciously offered to host her in her home for a recent visit. OP's daughter is almost 3, and her son is a baby.
MIL wants to soak up as much time as she can with the kids. It's understandable. She's missed a lot, but OP thinks she's being a tad of a "smother-in-law."
"MIL is all over the kids, quite literally. She basically follows DD around as DD plays with her toys. She hovers over DS as he's playing on the floor and tries to get his attention all the time by making clicking noises. I took DS out to play in the swing, MIL wanted to come with, which was fine," OP wrote in the Am I Being Unreasonable forum on Mumsnet.
There's a language barrier.
MIL has been following OP everywhere, even when she takes out the trash. It's starting to drive OP a little nuts. Plus, there is a bit of a language barrier.
"All of this is made more awkward by the fact that MIL doesn't speak much English (Has lived in the UK for 30+ years) so rather than trying to talk to the children she does this physical following, hovering and making weird clicking noises," she explained.
She even struggles with the kids' names. It's a challenging situation.
Now, OP is at a crossroads about Christmas.
Despite being hands-off and pretty absent during this visit, OP's husband is considering inviting his mom back for Christmas. OP mentioned that at that time of year, it's a minimum of a four-day stay because of the trains. She would be willing to do two days but feels she can't do another four.
"I've said that she can visit after Christmas when the trains are running normally. She has a son and lots of close friends in her hometown so she wouldn't be alone," she explained.
Is it unreasonable for her to want to put some time and space between visits?
Some of the Mumsnet crowd think that OP is being perfectly fair.
It's her house, and she should have a say in who comes to stay and when, right? Mumsnet users think so. They want OP's husband to take a bit of responsibility.
Some were quick and to the point. "Get your husband off his a– and his phone," read one comment.
This is his mom. Shouldn't DH be a tad more involved? "Your husband is a problem. Get him to host her and interact with the kids," one person wrote.
One person suggested OP needs to stand up for herself writing, "You're not a doormat. You lack resilience to let one person affect your life so much. Tell your husband to make more effort."
Some hearts went out to poor granny.
Is MIL really doing anything wrong by wanting to enjoy some time with her grandkids? It didn't appear to many that her behavior was that over the top.
"From what you say your MIL sounds like she is trying to spend time with you. I would encourage your DH, kids and MIL to spend time together. Alternatively do some nice things together. You say you have a son, remember you too will be MIL to a daughter in law who might think the same about you," one person pointed out.
People think OP needs to realize that she doesn't have it so bad.
"MN is full of posters hating their in laws. I can't see what your MIL did wrong in this scenario. She played with her GC, followed you to the bin and doesn't have good English. It appears she is doing her best to form a relationship with her GC and their mum, now that covid rules are no longer prominent," someone commented.
"Oddly you don't say you just asked for the baby back. Of course she's going to hold the baby as much as possible, she's the grandmother. My MIL would hold DS as long as she could, then I'd say "can I have him to feed / nappy change / whatever" and she'd hand him back," another person wrote. "Being pleasant and communicating what you want works much better than letting someone do things you don't like, saying nothing but erecting a massive fence because of it. You've made her uncomfortable now, and she still doesn't know what to do."
Some agree that this is all too much.
"What was the story with the 3 year gap? Big disagreement or cantbearseditis by her? No to the 4 days at Christmas. Sounds too much like hard work and like your OH won't step up. So more of his hiding in his phone and not getting involved," one person commented.
There were questions about how this initial visit came about.
"How did it happened that she came now? Was it her initiative, your DHs, or yours? (Not suggesting it is wrong, just interested). Practically no contact in 3 years is strange," someone else wrote. "Did DH visited her? I agree that 4 days over the Christmas would be too much."
"DH needs to step up, both in facilitating the contact online and in actually spending the time when she is there. If none of them put in any effort, it won't work," another person suggested.
Some are blaming her husband for the whole thing.
"I think having her at Christmas would make things awkward, I'd probably invite her between Xmas and New year for a couple of days but I'd make sure your husband was doing the hosting, not expecting you to entertain her when you can't even communicate," read one comment.
Good luck, OP.
Sounds like no matter which way you go at the holidays, you're going to end up frustrated. If she stays, it interrupts your routine, and you end up with much more work. If she isn't invited, it could hurt her feelings. And then, of course, there is the fight with your husband.
Mumsnet user think you're going to have to decide what is most important. But remember, that is your decision, no one else's. Do what is best for you and your children so you can enjoy your Christmas.
