My husband Shawn and I believe in romance. We spend intentional quality time alone together every single week and, before COVID, took at least one vacation a year without our kids.
And no, we’re not newlyweds!
Maybe it’s because we’ve both been divorced and know firsthand that a marriage can fall apart when you stop paying attention to each other, or maybe it’s because we’ve always approached parenting as a team sport. One thing is certain: Focusing on our relationship is our top priority. Fourteen years, two kids, and one hellacious pandemic later, we’re still totally into each other.
And although I know no two families are the same, in most, that guy you fall asleep beside, share a bathroom with and whose socks you put away is the guy who made you a mother. In other words …
Your kids only exist because you two got together.
Trust me, I know with the day-to-day grind of keeping kiddos healthy, safe, bathed, and fed, it’s so easy to forget that fact. But don’t. Those rascally, adorable, infuriating, loving, snuggly humans who make your heart want to burst with pride came into this world because you and your partner fell in love. That’s something to celebrate over and over.
So I’m gonna say something that might sound kind of radical.
Your relationship with your partner should be the primary relationship in your household — not your relationship with your kids.
Shocking? Maybe. But it’s also true. And you’ll be a better mom for it. As it turns out, romance, date nights, and trips for two are a huge part of loving your life as a mom. I would even rank prioritizing and nurturing your marriage as a form of self-care.
Think about it: Chances are, if you’re making intentional, quality time for you and your partner, you’ll be happier and feel more fulfilled. The two of you will probably also experience more joy, patience and love. And do you think that will spill over into your relationship with your kids?
Oh yes, girlfriend.
And you know what else? You’re setting a great example for them. You’re teaching them what a loving, respectful relationship looks like. You only need to look at your own parents (for better or for worse) to understand how important that is. Having been in a marriage where romance and date nights were not a priority, I know how fatal that lack of attention can be to a relationship.
So remember what you love about each other. Remember the reasons you got together, and hold on to those reasons. Celebrate them. Every. Single. Week.
The million-dollar question, of course, is how do you make it happen, along with everything else on your extremely full plate?
First things first: Talk about it.
If regular date nights with your spouse are not a thing in your marriage (yet), start off by having a conversation. I’m no counselor, but I’ve loved enough to know that communication is key when it comes to relationships, and that’s true whether we’re talking about your relationship with your kids, your sister, your parents, or your best friend. Without a doubt, being open and up front with your husband is vital to prioritizing your marriage.
Second: Plan!
When it comes to experiencing romance as a parent, you’ve gotta be intentional. When you’re planning your week, work in alone time for you and your significant other. Involve your spouse in choosing the day of the week that would be best for both of you. Take turns deciding what you’ll do on your date night. Make the process part of your time together.
And lastly, but super importantly, get help if you need it.
Before the pandemic, Shawn and I had what we liked to call The Babysitter Optimizer. We compiled a diverse portfolio of five women — all different ages and in different stages of their lives, so if one went off to college or got married or had a baby we could still have a social life — and rotated them. We were able to call on one of them any time we wanted to get some alone time.
With COVID unfortunately still a thing, my husband and I admittedly haven’t used a babysitter in recent months, but we have been able to rely on our family. I would venture to say the same goes for you. Grandparents love to see their grandkids!
And if even help from family just isn’t an option right now, don’t let that be your excuse.
Sometimes Shawn and I do date nights at home, once our kiddos are in bed — or at the least, upstairs with a movie (or, I’ll admit it, a device).
The point is, you can make it happen. You might have to get creative or do a little finagling, but remember why you’re doing it. Prioritizing your relationship is so important.
And I promise you, it’s so worth it.
