New parents often talk about being sleep-deprived, losing their independence, trying to follow a nap-and-feed routine, and always feeling tired. All of that is true. But one of the things I didn’t quite anticipate was the change becoming a parent had on my marriage.
When we first became parents, I held a lot of resentment against my husband.
I mean, it’s not fair his belly didn’t expand to the size of a basketball and then shrink into a deflated, saggy bag. He didn’t have his nipples ripped and torn nor did he constantly worry about whether we had enough clean onesies for the week. I can’t remember how many times I burst into tears, screaming at him for breathing too hard.
But then my husband made a career change where he stopped working regular hours and I continued my 9-to-5. He started caring for the kids during the day while I cared for them in the evenings and weekends.
As the amount of time we spent with the kids evened out, it wasn’t just me resenting him anymore. We started playing a game of hot potato, passing the resentment back and forth depending on who was watching the kids.
Five years later, we’ve found a method to our madness that keeps the resentment at bay. Here’s how we’ve managed not to get burned.
We start our “shift” by thanking the other person.
When I say “shift,” I mean the time spent taking care of the kids alone. Whenever my husband comes home from work, the first thing he’ll say is, “Thanks for staying with them.” And these five little words make a world of difference because its shows he appreciates me.
So I started doing the same for him and thanking him when I came home. Regularly practicing gratitude and saying words of affirmation to each other help us feel like we’re parenting as a team instead of merely passing the buck.
We end our “shift” with a helpful closing procedure.
Since I have the evenings and weekends, I do things to help make his mornings a little easier with the kids. For instance, I’ll put the cereal box on the table, refill water bottles, prepare the coffeemaker so he only needs to press the button, and empty the dishwasher so he’ll have clean dishes and utensils ready for their meals.
At the end of his shift, he’ll put away dishes so the sink is empty for dinner dishes, heat food up for me so I have something to eat when I get home, prepare the kids’ meals, and replenish diapers and wipes so that my evenings are less frantic.
Doing these little things shows we care for each other and that we empathize with how hard it is to take care of the kids by ourselves. And the more we do these things for each other, the harder it is to resent the other while they’re at work.
We run errands when we're at work.
As a realtor, he drives all over the city. So he’ll run errands that would be difficult for me to do when I’m at home with the kids. For instance, he’ll pick up groceries, diapers, laundry detergent, or other things we’re low on between showings or on the way home.
I have an office job where I’m on the computer all day. So when I’m at work, I’ll do anything that can be done on my computer or phone, like schedule the kids’ dentist appointments, medical check-ups, lessons and activities, respond to emails from the school, and shop for gifts online.
We talk at the end of the day.
When the kids are asleep, we make it a priority to catch up and talk about what happened during our day. It’s easy to fall into the Netflix trap and go to sleep without exchanging a single word. And to be honest, there are nights when this happens, but the most important thing is we don’t bottle things up and let the resentment build.
The early years have been tough on our marriage; it’s been hard for us not to turn on each other. But what’s even harder is thinking we have to do it alone.
