During the mid- to late-20th century, parents around the world relied on Dr. Benjamin Spock any time their child had an issue that couldn’t be solved with a phone call to Grandma. Dr. Spock’s theories were so popular, he sold nearly 50 million books in 42 different languages, and his parenting book is still in print today.
Growing up in post–World War II Taiwan, my mother most likely never heard of Dr. Spock. She practiced a more traditional Chinese approach to raising us – strict with an emphasis on hard work, high academic achievement at a young age, and excellence in every field.
Yale Law School professor Amy Chua would later describe this traditional Chinese approach to parenting in her 2011 book, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. The concept of “tiger moms” even generated a series of TV programs in Singapore, mainland China, and Hong Kong. Those tiger moms went overboard with strict rules and expectations.
My sons were born in the United States at a time when many mothers were more interested in being their children’s friend rather than strict, hard-nosed disciplinarians. They did things for their children instead of letting them do those things for themselves. This was also during an era when every child who participated got a trophy, and an extended group of adults played a role in raising someone else's children through organized activities and formal play dates.
My husband, Jim, and I didn’t have a large group of adults helping us raise our two young sons when we moved to Miami. Jim was studying to become a doctor. I worked two, sometimes three, jobs. We didn’t have relatives — only colleagues — and money was tight. We raised our sons like my mother raised me.
Other parents often criticized me for being so strict with my children
His younger brother learned a similar lesson at Disney World
We were walking down Main Street when he saw a vendor selling popsicles. He asked if he could have one, and I gave him $2 and told him to go get the popsicle himself. He came back empty-handed. I asked for the $2 back. We walked a little farther and Gordon saw another vendor. I gave him the same $2, and he came back without a popsicle. Gordon handed over the money again. The third time he saw a vendor, he took the money, approached the man and said, “May I please have a popsicle?” My son got the message — and the popsicle.
Parents who do everything for their children and give them everything often don’t realize that they may be creating a codependent relationship with them. We wanted to raise our sons to become independent men who could think for themselves and who could stand on their own two feet. We also wanted to develop a relationship of trust with our sons. They trusted us to teach them how to succeed. We trusted them to succeed on their own. And while our approach didn’t make us popular, it worked — and I woudn't have done it any other way.
